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  #21  
Old 09-06-2018, 08:37 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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I love the form. I learned it here within the last year. All poets have to be some sort of Houdini as goes the straightjacket of the style. However, if one is always writing, incompletely formed notions come across one's spirit all the time. On one occasion they fit one form; on another, a different form. Starting with form first is often the hardest way. It's probably what killed Cervantes.

"Dot the lawn with flowers" is perfectly clear to me. Something like the way mushrooms appear after a rain. I love, love, love the turning of dot from noun to verb.
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  #22  
Old 09-06-2018, 12:17 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Ralph - Thanks for the posting The Ovillejo by Rhina. I enjoyed reading it.

Erik - Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you find the tone jaunty, which is the main feature I want to keep. The details — like the allusion to the Big Bang, the supernovae, the lawn and flowers, cloud and rain — are all just the surface images to have something concrete for the reader to picture. I think I started with a fuzzy idea about cosmology somehow contrasted with the myriad flowers I’ve been seeing around my area (chicory, milkweed, Queen Ann’s lace, daisy fleabane, birdsfoot trefoil, burdock, mountain mint, mouse ear hawkweed, goldenrod, mullein, orange jewelweed, clover, pokeweed, purple loosestrife, hedge bindweed, creeping woodsorrel, and others that I can’t name.)

So now I want to write a longer poem about all those flowers!

Daniel - I’m glad to hear a positive response! And thanks for mentioning the change of “dot” from a noun to a verb, and I’m happy the ending worked for you.

I made a couple of changes to Revision 3. I replaced the previous version of L7: “shooting up from August showers.” And in L8, instead of “I should be wowed” (by exploding stars), now it’s “I’m thoroughly wowed.” I think that makes more sense and leads better to the final couplet.

But as Erik said, there is a great deal of silliness about contrasting major cosmic events with flowers sprouting on a lawn. I don’t know what I can do about that, except to leave this one alone and go on to new and greater endeavors.

If anyone is interested, I found this brief summary of the history of the universe. It’s a nice, concise outline of the events that led to our present time.

http://www.astro.ucla.edu/~wright/BBhistory.html

Last edited by Martin Elster; 09-06-2018 at 12:22 PM.
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Old 09-06-2018, 01:39 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is online now
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Martin,

I forgot to mention that I do fancy the basic premise of a microcosm of the macrocosm in the lawn with flowers. I agree with your reversion of the line with ‘August showers,’ and it makes better sense to me. Further, I am not so incredulous as I had been thanks to your new edit of
Great stars explode. I’m thoroughly wowed.
But then I watch a common cloud
dot my lawn with flowers!
I find the claim easier to hear untainted by incredulity which holds I am amazed by the explosions of the stars, yet no less by the like in microcosm at my lawn; as opposed to the explosion of stars does not impress me, but my lawn is another story far more amazing. This emendation goes a long way in obviating my disbelief, and that, in turn, makes me more amenable to the piece besides.

Cheers,
Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 09-06-2018 at 02:05 PM.
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Old 09-06-2018, 04:56 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Many thanks, Erik. Itís great to hear that itís working for you now.

Best,

Martin
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  #25  
Old 09-17-2018, 12:08 PM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Just revisiting this to mention it as a great example of a poetic principle that must have gained a name somewhere out there. The fewer the words under debate, the more the words in the debate. Fascinating, right?

Probably some inverse squared law...
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Old 09-17-2018, 07:33 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Thanks, Daniel. That principle is undebatable, the 5th fundamental force of nature (gravity, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces being the others of course).

Last edited by Martin Elster; 09-17-2018 at 07:35 PM.
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