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  #1  
Unread 04-11-2021, 06:53 AM
Stephen Hampton Stephen Hampton is offline
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Location: Jacksonville Florida USA
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Default A Song, but will it stand alone as poetry?

My baby doll will dance tonight, her name is in the marque lights, she'll strut her
stuff just like a movie queen....

High stepping on the dancing bar, she'll play'em like a super star, she'll turn
their heads with legs like Norma Jean...

In a fur of mink, or blue fox pelt, with dollars in her garter belt, and nothing
underneath but heels and hose...

And Orange County ain't so sad, I make a living in my cab, the nights are
warm, and it hardly ever snows...

That Orange Blossom money trail, might send my baby straight to hell, till then
she'll dance for me... when we're alone...

My friends say I'm a lucky man, they smile real big and shake my hand, I
guess you know just how the story goes...

She dances till her tootsies bleed, some say its an evil seed, but David danced
before the Ark that glows...

At times I scream 'Gonna pack it up, and drive off in my pickup truck', but baby
smiles, she knows I got it bad...

And Orange County ain't so sad, I make a living in my cab, the nights are
warm, and it hardly ever snows...

That Orange Blossom money trail, might send my baby straight to hell, till then
she'll dance for me... when we're alone...
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  #2  
Unread 04-11-2021, 10:16 AM
W T Clark W T Clark is offline
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Default

No, unfortunately, in my opinion. The line breaks appear just like cut up prose, and though the rhymes are mostly unforced, the topic is both shallow and vapid. Maybe accompanied by music it might be entertaining as a country song, but (speaking only for myself) I think the poem bores on much too long, does nothing much to interest the reader, and gives us two-dimensional outlines of stereotypes, both in action and diction, and it all sounds rather dated.

Hope this helps,
Cameron
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  #3  
Unread 04-11-2021, 12:08 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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The reason I don't think it works imo is that I don't have any idea what to say about it as a song. As a poem, it is full of generalities and stereotypes that I would be surprised still works in a song but certainly don't work as a poem.
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Unread 04-11-2021, 07:28 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi Stephen,

This is metrical, so I'd be inclined to lay it out as such and then ask a mod to move to Metrical, where you'll get more feedback. I'd also be inclined to lose all the ellipses. I don't why you have them or what purpose they're intended to serve here. They traditionally signify that words have been missed out. If you want them to indicate a pause, I don't think you need them either, since you have stanza breaks.


My baby doll will dance tonight,
her name is in the marque lights,
she'll strut her stuff just like a movie queen.

High stepping on the dancing bar,
she'll play'em like a super star,
she'll turn their heads with legs like Norma Jean.

And so on.

To answer your question, though, as a poem, no it's not doing a lot for me. Too much by the way of cliché and stereotype as others have said, which is more problematic in poems than in songs I think.

best,

Matt
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  #5  
Unread 04-14-2021, 09:10 PM
Stephen Hampton Stephen Hampton is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Jacksonville Florida USA
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Default Thanks Guys

Sorry I've been absent, just got back on line. Think I'll keep this in my song files.
When I wrote this my life was a cliche, typical highway hero, one hundred thousand miles a year, out-numbered, out-classed, out-dated.
Thanks for reading and responding.
Sincerly,
Stephen
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  #6  
Unread 04-14-2021, 10:02 PM
Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Apart from poetic fiction, which this looks like, I think you’d want to get her to quit and get a job maybe working in a library or even a pet shop while you and she find out if she has a heart of gold, and you keep doing whatever you do, driving a poetic or real taxi. That is, if she’s real. In the meantime, wear protection! Remember, looks and all are great; all other things being equal, sweetness and cooking lasts, whoever does it.

Still, what do I know? I have so vast an experience as a successful song writer.
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