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  #1  
Unread 05-31-2021, 09:01 PM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Default Horror Movie #3

"If anyone slaps you
on the right cheek,
turn to them
the other cheek also."—Matthew 5:39

...Nightly, in open fields where men and moon
Can watch, a ring of slatterns circle-dance,
Thin garments backlit by their brightened bodies;
Like cawing ravens infiltrating doves,
Adulteresses walk among our virgins,
As calm as holy women step through Sabbath:
Whatever teachings the sweet Rabbi taught,
I gather stones and throw them as is needed.
I gaurd the entrance of the highest temple.
Your heart conflicts with those who worship here.
The incantation is not meant for you,
So go back to your rotten decadence,
And tell nobody how you found this place.
You touch me once: your house is forest fire;
Your name a curse to all; your cattle drown
And drift; your gold transforms to lead; your sons
And daughters work to death in different ways;
Your wife forgets your lineage by moans;
I ride upon you through your favoured streets.

Last edited by Yves S L; 07-06-2021 at 11:10 AM. Reason: version 1.1: it is all about the phrasing
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  #2  
Unread 06-01-2021, 07:10 AM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Yeah, the tweaks have stabilized to version 1.0.
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  #3  
Unread 06-01-2021, 10:55 AM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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Phrasing adjustments bring version 1.1. Until some feedback, I am going to go chill.

Previous version below for comparison sake:

Version 1.0

"If anyone slaps you
on the right cheek,
turn to them
the other cheek also."ŚMatthew 5:39

A ring of slatterns circle-dance at night,
In garments backlit by their brightend bodies,
In open fields where moon and men can watch;
Adulteresses walk among our virgins,
As calm as holy women step through Sabbath:
Whatever the sweet Rabbi said, I gather
And throw as many stones as necessary.
I gaurd the entrance to the highest temple.
Your heart conflicts with those who worship here.
The incantation is not meant for you.
You touch me once: your days are one abyss
That darkens down to yet more deeper ones;
Your house is forest fire; your cattle drown
And drift; your gold transforms to lead; your sons
And daughters work to death in different ways;
Your wife forgets your lineage by moans;
I ride upon you through your favoured streets.
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  #4  
Unread 06-02-2021, 02:07 AM
R. S. Gwynn's Avatar
R. S. Gwynn R. S. Gwynn is offline
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Six or seven lines before encountering "I" presents a problem.
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  #5  
Unread 07-05-2021, 12:39 PM
JS Tassan JS Tassan is offline
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I kept coming back to this poem after three days and for the first two it was mostly getting caught on "I gather stones and throw them as is needed"and i kept wondering if i was scanning it correctly, but it read fine aloud, so there wasn't anything "wrong" with the line. But then i came back today and took a break after that line and it read easier, and then without really thinking about "why?" I took another break after, "And tell nobody how you found this place" and the poem was much more manageable as a reader. I think these are the natural jumps in progression and the breaks helped solidify how the poem flowed, which helped ease the processing, at least for me.

I'll confess I really don't know the horror reference or 'who" the narrator is talking to, so my comments may be useless. But your poem occupied my time for three days, which is saying something in itself as i usually forget about most poems after the first line.
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  #6  
Unread 07-06-2021, 07:52 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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.

My quick read says this is a poem about the horrors of the Bible. Though you quote from the New Testament.

I can't parse the final line because it sounds like a typo:

I ride upon your through your favoured streets.


"your through"?

I'll give a closer read and come back.

.
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  #7  
Unread 07-06-2021, 10:26 AM
Yves S L Yves S L is offline
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I think this post just survived the June pruning, and I was thinking of it as one of those failed experiments/bad ideas (still probably do) until JS TASSAN brought it up from the bottom of the Deep End.

R.S. Gwynn,

Duly noted.

JS TASSAN,

I probably posted this effort too early, and there is a question of whether I should have posted it at all. Cool that you found the effort memorable though. For a short while, I was fiddling with the poem's progression, but stopped because there simply was not enough interest on the board for it to be worth my time. But, yeah, you identified the points where the poem turns/shifts/progresses.


Jim Moonan,

Yeah typo in the final line. The horror would be in ... but mostly I was thinking about the contrast between ... and ...

Cheers all!

Last edited by Yves S L; 07-06-2021 at 11:32 AM.
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