[Lightning Bug]

Let's coin some creative new phrases to convey that it is highly unlikely that you will be using a critiquer's suggestions.

Bugsy

[jack edwards]

How about any reply that begins, "Well, I was chatting on the phone with Richard Wilbur the other day..."

[Lightning Bug]

jack,

ROTFLMAO!!! THAT one is so true, but it took me by surprise.

[Lightning Bug]

Variations, using a fictional name for the inept suggestor:

Dougsie,
Thanks for that. It gave me such a smile.

Dougsie,
Thank you for your suggestions. I really needed a good laugh.

Dougsie,
You're so silly.

[David Landrum]

Expanding on Jack's idea:

"Well ___________________ didn't think that when he (she) went over the poem with me."

Fill in the blank: Alicia, Dave, Sam, Marilyn, Kim . . .

[Marion Shore]

The "I'm so sensitive/emotional" response:

"But I'm so head-over-heels in love with this poem!"*


*you took me to task for that one, Bugsy, remember?

[Clay Stockton]

Dear Dougsie,

Thank you for the time you spent on your review of my villanelle, "Wolves Eat Fairies, Don't They?: A Villanelle." And no, I don't think you were being harsh at all. Please don't apologize, for that is what I am here for!

I am intrigued by your point about making the repetends consistent. I guess you mean they should use the same words in each one? I will have to think that over! I have seen many successful villanelles, which I have patterned this one after, and some of them have had consistent repetends. But perhaps you are familiar with the 20th-century poet Elizabeth Bishop? Well, if you aren't, you should check her out, she is very loose with form, not like that drunk Dylan Thomas. I think he's very over rated and I don't want my villanelle to be compared to his, so I have decided to vary my repetends, but I will have to think about your point. Thanks!

I also have to think about your point about "cliched" language. I am not arguing but I think that I am using the phrases you quoted "ironically." Except for the part you objected to which says "the proof is in the pudding," that is an allusion, maybe you didn't get it? Oh well, can't please them all! I have thought about this a lot and I think one man's cliche is another man's classic and all of these are in the eye of the beholder. Thanks!

I think you make a good point about the meter, except it is not supposed to be iambic tetrameter like so many poems here, it is supposed to be loose dactyllic, because I am a big fan of the great ancient blind Greek poet Homer. Maybe you didn't get that either? I will have to think about what you said about making the meter "detectable" because I've thought about it a lot and I have discovered that all art aspires to the condition of music. With that in mind, I am working on a revision which is more musical. Here is the new first stanza, I have made the new repetends bold:


' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - -
' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - - | ' - -
' - - | ' - - | ' ' - | - ' | ' - -


I am trying to figure out how to get rid of the substitutions in L3, anyone have any ideas? Dougsie, if I figure out how to make a sound recording after the piano tuner comes by I will post it here and see what you think. Thanks again for your time!

Love,
Sheila Reseda


[This message has been edited by Clay Stockton (edited June 30, 2006).]

[Marion Shore]

Well, Dougsie, as you know, this is a performance piece, so you really need to hear it spoken out loud, as well as see the props: graffiti-covered subway wall, broken toilet, etc. and hear the steel drum accompaniment.

*******

Well Dougsie, I think the allusion to Czar Ivan the Mediocre is pretty well-known, but of course you can always Google.

[Carol Taylor]

Dougsie, I appreciate your suggestion to change "the" to "a," and while I understand your reasoning, that would make for a different poem. Perhaps a better poem, but not the one I've written.

Also thanks for expressing the opinion that Chronicle of My Formative Years doesn't fit the sonnet form and that I should drop the couplet altogether. I have given some thought to your contention that I am trying to cover too much ground, but all of the traumatic experiences have a direct bearing on the poem and I can't think which of them I could afford to leave out. I believe most people can follow the logic and won't have any trouble figuring out the syntax in the lines:

potty-trained at half past three
wheeler turned over scraped my knee.

Again, I do appreciate your time and effort, Dougsie, and I will print out your comments and consider them carefully if I decide to revise. I should warn you that I revise very slowly, however, so I may not get around to posting the revision for a few months.

[Lightning Bug]

Marion,
Oh, yeah, you were so in love with that damn piece you were marion it!

Sorry. Guess that one only works once.

Another way to break the news: (again with a randomly selected fictitious name)


PugZ,
To explain my regard for your suggestions, I have made a chart of equivalent concepts. Column A contains persons or things, and Column B contains bodies to which they may seek admittance.

AXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXB

OilXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXWater

MosesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPromised Land

CamelXXXXXXXXXXXXXXEye of a needle

Dr. JohnXXXXXXXXXXXXXCover of the Rolling
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXStone

Star JonesXXXXXXXXXXXAny ABC News job

Those past itsXXXXXXXXToyland
XXXXborders

Your suggestionsXXXXXXMy poem