Speccie - for the kiddies

John Whitworth · #1 03-05-2009, 02:13 AM

This week Marion Shore nearly added to her triumph in the limerick competition. Well done her! Here's another hopeful for you all.

Spectator No. 2588: X-rated 
You are invited to submit spiced-up versions of children’s poems or stories (16 lines/150 words maximum). But think sauciness rather than smut. Entries to ‘Competition 2588’ by 19 March or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

What, you may ask, is the difference between sauciness and smut? Well I'm not sure at all. Here's something by the great Beachcomber which might be the sortof thing they want.

Hush! Hush!
Nobody cares!
Christopher Robin
Has fallen downstairs.

Roger Slater · #2 03-05-2009, 07:11 AM

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
The king told his horses and all of his men,
"Great! We'll have omelets for breakfast again!"

Jim Hayes · #3 03-05-2009, 08:28 AM

I like that one greatly Bob.

The giant tumbled from the stalk and when he hit the ground
he didn't rise or try to talk as people gathered round.
But was he pushed, or did he fall? The case being most complex,
the cops went out and brought in all the usual suspects.

Bo Peeps confession, sheepishly,initially brought joy,
but Toad, uriah-heepishly gave her an alibi.
Humpty Dumpty, there's no doubt, at first was not afraid,
but then he cracked and they found out how omelets are made.

"De jure, facto, ad hoc est!" such hi-falutin' jargon
saved Prince Charming from arrest as part of a plea bargain.
Then just as everyone grew scared the guilty ones would walk,
the radio and TV blared;"Jack and the beans talk!"

Roger Slater · #4 03-05-2009, 08:41 AM

I see you've upped the ante, Jim. Well done! Here's one I already had in the hopper, though I've had to drop a quatrain to fit the guidelines (and oddly enough, I don't really miss the quatrain at all):

I AM NOT JACK!

I never climbed a beanstalk.
I didn't! That's a fact.
I never killed a giant.
My name is John, not Jack.

My father lives at home with us.
I never sold mom's cow.
Yet people make up stories.
I wish they'd stop right now.

I never bought a magic bean.
I never owned a goose.
I wish I could convince you!
I try, but what's the use?

So go away! I am not Jack!
Don't make me bribe or beg!
Okay, just take your story back,
I'll pay you one gold egg.

Marion Shore · #5 03-05-2009, 09:14 AM

Bob, Jim,

These are great!

Jim, do you still have the one about the old man in the shoe? (Where he's getting a divorce from the old woman, if I remember correctly?) That one could take honors, IMO.

Marion

Salli Shepherd · #6 03-05-2009, 09:40 AM

Little Boy Blue,
can't toot his horn;
his poetry's crap,
and his metre forlorn.

But where is the boy
who turns bad into worse?
He's cruising the forums,
correcting your verse.

Jim Hayes · #7 03-05-2009, 09:47 AM

Thanks Marion, thanks very kind of you, for the moment I'd forgotten that one but I've rooted it out.

Bob that's super, it should do very well indeed.

Sole Custody

How could I know she would finally sue?
Now I am the one doesn’t know what to do.
She got the one sock and all of the kids
leaving me what? A life on the skids.

“The toe-cap is cramped, the insole's a pain,
the uppers are cracked and let in the rain,
the shoe’s over-crowded!” she said in her suit.
The judge sent me packing to buy her a boot.

But lately the children have all moved away,
she’s foot-loose-- but I‘ve still the mortgage to pay,
she’s seeing a night-owl, no rumor, just facts,
and spending her time in his Nike Air Max.

Each day when I pick up The Nursery Chimes,
I read of her exploits and all her good times,
while I’m down at heel with my toes turning blue--
laments the Old Man Who Once Lived In a Shoe.

Roger Slater · #8 03-05-2009, 10:09 AM

Sole custody...ouch! Funny one, Jim.

Here's one after Christina Rossetti:

Who Has Seen the Wind

Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you:
But when your roof takes off and flies,
The wind is passing through.

Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I:
But when a branch destroys your house,
The wind is passing by.

E. Shaun Russell · #9 03-05-2009, 10:13 AM

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
"To fetch a pail of water"--
Or so he said.
Jill wound up dead:
They say the Ripper got her.

Marion Shore · #10 03-05-2009, 10:39 AM

Hee hee! Sole custody! One for the ages!

These are fabulous!

Call Me Chris

When I was Seven,
Legos were heaven.

When I was Eight,
Gameboy was great.

When I was Nine,
I was playing online.

When I was Ten,
PS2 was my yen.

When I was Eleven,
XBox, twenty-four seven.

But now I am twelve, geez, Dad, get a clue:
Buy me a cell phone, and you can have Pooh!