Somebody's got to be in charge
I am the sailor
I am the ship I am the squalling, raging ocean I’m the wind, too, while I'm at it But these fish, they’re getting slower sicker, dumber Flinging themselves onto the deck reluctant seekers that don’t want what they are looking for that don't know what they are looking for that don't know what they don't know I can forgive them their ignorance but Jesus Christ, Fish, take a look around yourselves Don’t you see the other fish gasping for air, for water, for freedom, release? As if that's the way the world’s supposed to be As if gasping is breathing |
It's a very good final line.
The rest of it comes across as a heavy-handed sermon to the choir. JB |
It is an excellent last line. But you do need the preceding context to get there -- the exasperated viewpoint of all the non-fish world. The narrator's frustration is funny and sharp.
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Hi Annie, I had a thought that may be a leaden one. What if you rewrote the first stanza to say something radically different? Like this: I am the sailor, not the ship not the raging ocean, not the wind either, while I'm at it. And then take it from there. The reason why I suggest such a radical turn from "all" is because I feel like that is what is trying to get out but is muffled by the opening stanza's bold declaration. I think it would help to tone down the heavy-handedness that John mentions. I wonder, too, about repeating "gasping" so close to each other. (YPOu could just grab the bull by the horns and go for something quasi-onomatopoeic like, As if gasping gasping gasping were breathing. . |
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