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Unread 01-12-2024, 05:06 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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I don't quite get what you mean by "except." You've just stated (if I'm reading correctly) that there are well-tended flowers by the driveway, then you say "except," which leads me to expect an exception or qualification to that statement. But I don't get one. Instead, I'm told that someone (presumably the grower of the flowers) then carelessly runs over the flowers. But that's not an exception to what you said. The fact remains that the flowers framed the driveway before the man ran over them (as you've told us). We're logically dealing with an "and then" rather than an "except," the need for a rhyme notwithstanding.

I'm not sure the irony of someone carelessly running over his flowers is enough, without at least a bit more subtext, to deserve its own poem. Instead you lob poetry bombs, like "careless as wind" without even arguably committing to any backstory. Was he drunk? What came over him? Surely it wasn't merely a momentary desire to be like the wind.

The last two lines are interesting. You have the flowers go from tall to mute, but presumably they were mute even when they were tall, so what exactly (or even figuratively) does that mean?
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