Hi Ralph,
This one doesn't fly, I'd say.
What is now the opening:
Spring’s Artist reviews details
(pentimenti?)
is, to me, unparsabe. reviews details? Then hitting us with one of the two fancy (Italian) terms used to describe elements of art that appear in the poem. Not that "pentimenti", in particular, needs to be avoided in poetry. But I don't think they (the other is chiaroscuro) do much for you here. They interfere, in fact, with what would work best in the sparest of language.
And keep Newton's prism out of a poem about the sensual impact of spring. It's science. Meh. Nobody sees a prism in nature.
The other problem has to do with trite expressions. Primarily the two in the last two lines, "the essence of life’s light" and "spring’s immortal palette".
In all, not much feeling comes across through all the description and analysis, which I think is a result of letting those last two lines carry all the water for feeling.
Rick
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