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Unread 04-28-2024, 02:51 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 16,538
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Sorry, but I'll be piling on, since I think the poem is not very good. I'd withhold a negative critique if I thought this was typical of your work, but frankly I'm surprised at this effort given the quality and polish of your work I've seen so far. It almost seems to be written by a different person, not the Glenn Wright I have come to know.

The poem strikes me as nothing but a poorly versified anecdote, with the verse adding nothing to the story or the emotion. In fact, writing in verse seems to have forced you to add details that are only there for the rhyme. Who cares at what hour the principal starts his day? Who cares that there are bricks near his parking space? If this story were being told in prose, I don't think you'd have been tempted to mention either detail.

And the verse leads to many instances of padding. Why "trying" to affix? Are they having trouble doing so? And why "strictly banned" instead of just "banned," except to pad out the meter?

Why would he have to "mention" that the girl had committed suicide? They're there in the morning putting up a memorial, so I would think they must already know it, especially since the "brown and tall" woman (why do we care if she is tall except for the rhyme?) is likely the girl's mother.

When he told them they couldn't leave the flowers, why would he think they wouldn't have to worry because he'd keep the flowers in his office? Their concern was obviously not about what would happen to the flowers, or if they'd be watered, but to have a public display. Why would the principal think that it's a consolation to them to have the flowers put into a private administrative office?

Why doesn't the principal merely ask her if she was the mother? Were there no introductions or words spoken? If a principal sees an adult in the school he doesn't recognize, you would think he'd inquire, wouldn't you? Especially these days, adult trespassers on school grounds are a big concern.

What the woman asks him seems artificial. Why would she ask him what he hopes his hypothetical daughter will be taught in school? Why would she refer to suicide as "self-slaughter"? (Maybe she had been reading Hamlet?)

And finally, I don't get how you are using the last three words, "have brought her." I don't think in a million years anyone would phrase it that way. Where has she been "brought"? She hasn't been brought anywhere.

Again, I know you're a lot better than this. Bin it!
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