[Carl Copeland]

Thanks, Matt, for giving me more to think about.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I wonder why you don't have a B-rhyme in S1, but do in S2&3. I guess you could have "will the heavy globe swim free" (or "slip free"), though you already have "free" as a rhyme word in S2.

“Free” was actually my first choice. Partly to avoid repeating the rhyme, I changed it to what I hoped would be heard as a slant rhyme. That may be worth reconsidering.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I also wonder why don't stick more closely to the crib. "ache" is different -- deeper, kind of more genuine, that "lovesick". Lovesick almost implies a certain teenage silliness, a giddiness at least, and liklely a passing phase.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have added “love” in brackets in the crib. The Russian is literally “sick [with] you,” which seems unusual to me in Russian and lacking in silliness, but I need to consult native speakers about it. An earlier version I had was similar to yours: “I’m glad that you’re not lovesick over me.”

Originally Posted by Matt Q

S2L2, the "nor do" single foot phrase at the end of the line seems weak to me. I wonder if there's a way end-stop the line? It'd be more song-like.

You’re right. I feel the weakness of that too. I doubt I can do anything about it, but you never know.

Much appreciated, Matt!

[Matt Q]

I'm not hearing how "me" and "way" are slant rhymes. They have no consonant or vowel sounds in common. I guess you might argue that both don't end with consonant, but that's pretty thin, I think.

I wonder if "sick" in this context might be translated as "pine"? As in: "It’s nice to know that you don’t pine for me".

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I'm not hearing how "me" and "way" are slant rhymes. They have no consonant or vowel sounds in common. I guess you might argue that both don't end with consonant, but that's pretty thin, I think.

It’s a little better than that, I think, because not only are [i] and [e] close to each other phonetically (close front and close mid front, respectively), the “ay” in “way” isn’t a pure vowel, but has a little “ee” sound at the end [eɪ]—at least the way I hear it. So for me it’s an acceptable, though not ideal, rhyme. Still, with your encouragement, I’m strongly considering reverting to “free.”

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I wonder if "sick" in this context might be translated as "pine"? As in: "It’s nice to know that you don’t pine for me".

Yes, that would work, but it’s a bit of a poetic cliché, isn’t it? I was trying for something a little more unusual and expressive of “sickness” or “pain” (the Russian words have the same root).

Thanks again, Matt!

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

It’s a little better than that, I think, because not only are [i] and [e] close to each other phonetically (close front and close mid front, respectively), the “ay” in “way” isn’t a pure vowel, but has a little “ee” sound at the end [eɪ]—at least the way I hear it. So for me it’s an acceptable, though not ideal, rhyme. Still, with your encouragement, I’m strongly considering reverting to “free.”

Maybe if you had a poem full of weak slant rhymes, I might hear some similarity here. But you have one very weak (arguably) slant rhyme in a poem that otherwise has only perfect rhymes. I guess I'd be surprised if anyone would hear it as a rhyme in that context.

Yes, that would work, but it’s a bit of a poetic cliché, isn’t it? I was trying for something a little more unusual and expressive of “sickness” or “pain” (the Russian words have the same root).

Fair enough. It is somewhat old-fashioned. Though etymologically, it does derive from the same root that "pain" does, and to me suggests pain and something like sickness. After all, people "pine away", which means to "lose vigor, health, or flesh through grief". Anyway, not trying to persuade you to use "pine". I guess "ache" just strikes me as maybe more sexual, or at least more open to that reading.

-Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Maybe if you had a poem full of weak slant rhymes, I might hear some similarity here. But you have one very weak (arguably) slant rhyme in a poem that otherwise has only perfect rhymes.

Well, this (arguably) slant rhyme is followed in the same stanza by two others, but I don’t think that will change your mind (or ear), and I’m reverting to “free.” I have a feeling I’ll like that better.

What you say about “pine” does make it more attractive, but it still sounds to me more like the 19-century diction that these early 20th-century poets were setting themselves apart from.

Thanks for your persistence, Matt!

[David Callin]

Lovely. I think it works really well, Carl. It's almost Cole Porter - something light and flippant and deeply felt.

I haven't listened to the song yet. I must do that.

Cheers

David

[Carl Copeland]

Thanks, David! The music is nothing like Cole Porter, but I like your take on the lyrics. Glad you think this poem’s the top. (You’re romance, you’re the steppes of Russia!)

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

Thanks, David! The music is nothing like Cole Porter, but I like your take on the lyrics. Glad you think this poem’s the top. (You’re romance, you’re the steppes of Russia!)

You're right, Carl - the music is nothing like Cole Porter. But "You’re romance, you’re the steppes of Russia" ... I like that!

David