[Rick Mullin]

Yes, this is good. The tighter the writing and more-focused the narrative, the better this form works. And this poem really lives in this form.

I agree with Roger about reverting. The change alters the relationship between the daughter and her buddies.

Rick

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks, Rogerbob and Rick. L2 reverted above.

[Alexandra Baez]

Susan (and Lexa), I appreciate the "Open Door" title suggestion, but I like the blandness of "Hospitality," in part because (for me at least) that term carries a certain class-and-culture-signifying vibe that is often associated with religious conservatism and its narrowly defined gender role expectations.

So you're going for irony, apparently, but the intent was lost on me because this irony isn't reinforced or developed by anything in the poem itself. Quite to the contrary, the body of the poem is open-hearted and direct. Thus, to me, the title just seemed bland, without the redeeming value of irony.

[Julie Steiner]

I wasn't really going for irony or archness, so I'm okay with the title seeming bland. The narrator is trying to keep things low-key.

I had considered "Lemonade," but decided that the cliché might trivialize the trauma of parental rejection as merely a "When life gives you lemons" situation. I would rather be boring than do that.

[Matt Q]

Hi Julie,

Is the idea in S3 that the N thinks one of her daughter's friends is gay and has a disciplinarian father, or are these meant to be two different people. One friend gay, another with an overstrict father? To me it reads like the former, and for me this makes the move from one specific example to the general statement of the last two lines a little odd. As if the poem goes from being about a gay child with problems at home to all who are disowned and run away. Two separate examples before the general case might work better rhetorically. And I did wonder if maybe that's what you intended. In which case, maybe there's some way to make that their clearer.

This may just be the language barrier, but "buddies" sounds very "chirpy", slightly off in tone maybe. Maybe it doesn't in American. Actually, ditto "cheer". Are you familiar with Enid Blyton's novels for children, written in the 1930-60s. The children cheering when Mother provides homemade lemonade or ginger beer (non-alcoholic, of course!) is the sort of thing that happened there. At the very least they'd exclaim "Mummy's a brick!". Anyway that's the vibe I get here. Whereas I'm guessing the children here were at least teenagers. Did your daughter's friends actually cheer when you brought them food / drink? Maybe they did, I guess. Still, "her buddies cheer" seems a bit at odds with the language of the rest of the poem. A bit like a children's book, whereas the rest doesn't.

best,

Matt

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks, Matt.

I've posted Draft Two above to eliminate the "cheer" that is triggering your and Lexa's gag reflex.

[Roger Slater]

You can't lose "I never miss a chance to say," which is important information as well as a sly justification for the form's required repetition.

Did "cheer" trigger your gag reflex? I don't see why it should. I think it's perfectly natural for teenage girls (or boys) to cheer when someone brings snacks into the room. I don't understand the objection.

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

I think it's perfectly natural for teenage girls (or boys) to cheer when someone brings snacks into the room.

I wonder if I can trade my teenager in for one of these?

Julie,

No gagging occurred, just that that part just struck me as at odds with the rest of the poem in terms of its language/tone. And some of that might well be the language barrier. "besties" does work better for me than "buddies", which may be a US/UK thing.

I definitely think the poem works better with the mother being the one with mantra (drafts 1 & 3). A mother who, with the benefit of wisdom gained through life experience, including perhaps her own adolescent difficulties around not fitting in, sees/knows these things and acts compassionately, for me strikes a better note than a preternaturally wise/compassionate daughter.

The final stanza is clearer now. It's one specific child the N is concerned about when she tells all her daughter's friends that they're welcome. The mantra is for Paul's benefit only. I wonder a little about this, since all teenagers can have problems, difficulties at home and I had originally assumed the N wanted to convey this to all of them.

Also, read that way, "Your father’s discipline’s severe" seems a little oddly phrased. And possibly also indirect, given that here the N is supposed to be speaking directly. Does having a disciplinarian father in and of itself make life harder for a gay child than a straight one? Having a bigoted father certainly would, obviously. So is it code for that? Or are the two factors independent stressors? Not only is he gay he also has a very strict father? Hmm, or does "your father’s discipline’s severe" mean that Paul is beaten, or that the father is dogmatically religious, say?

Matt

[Alexandra Baez]

Julie, sorry, I may be being dense, but I'm not sure I see the consistency between these two statements:

I like the blandness of "Hospitality," in part because (for me at least) that term carries a certain class-and-culture-signifying vibe that is often associated with religious conservatism and its narrowly defined gender role expectations.

and

I wasn't really going for irony or archness, so I'm okay with the title seeming bland. The narrator is trying to keep things low-key.

Do you mean that the n trying to disguise her social-activist motives within a conservative more? If so, I think there’s ironic tension there.

I’ve always found the word “buddies” insipid (yes, “chirpy” is a great word), so I don’t think Matt’s reaction is location-driven. I, too, prefer “besties.” And Matt’s reaction to “cheer” captures exactly what I was driving at. In my experience, teens these days prefer to underemote, especially in the presence of adults, lest they appear too corny, too conventional, too uncool, too easily won. There are exceptions, of course. The truth barometer is, if this poem reflects an actual incident, how did these teens really react?

I do like the addition of the specific name, not because I was confused about the addressee/s, but simply because it adds a personal touch. While “one of you” conveyed a sense of the n trying to protect the addressee with anonymity, I think that sense is adequately conveyed by the simple fact that this passage represents the n’s unspoken thoughts.

Too bad the "commandeer" version necessitated shifting the central actor. I agree that such a shift is not advisable, but "for Caroline to commandeer" is vastly more believable and sonically appealing to me than any of the "cheer" versions.

[Roger Slater]

I'm sticking with my first comment that the poem was done when you posted the first draft, which also seems to be what the next four critics believed as well. Your subsequent drafts read to me like earlier drafts that you polished up before you started the thread.