[Michael Cantor]

I don't care about the meter - the poem has a rhythm to it that carries me along, except for the "burning" dangling at the end of L1, and "leaves" in L5 - but my problem is that I simply don't understand it. Many of the lines are beautiful - the last line is to die for - but when I put them together I'm lost. I have a feeling that if the poem was less obtuse - if it was easier to get into - there would be less talk about meter.

[E. Shaun Russell]

Glad this one got bumped, as I missed it the other day.

I think this is perfectly metrical -- no issues with that at all. I think the poem itself is sublime, and that its ephemerality is part of its strength. The meaning is like the smoke, sometimes almost tangible, but the closer you get to it, the more elusive it becomes. The specifics in the poem, particularly in the last three lines, have no obvious referent, making them hard to grasp...but for me, that forces the reader to search for the meaning, which leads to some interesting possibilities. I'm imagining a seance, or perhaps a fortune-telling, or maybe even a vision quest of sorts. Even if the author has something completely different in mind, I can't help but pursue all the possibilities, and each is beguiling to me.

I don't really have any suggestions, per se, save for perhaps the title. Oddly enough, when I saw the title I immediately thought of Dylann Roof (perpetrator of the Charleston church mass shooting), which is obviously not the reference. Still, I think there's a better title available for the poem. Otherwise, a quiet bravo from me.

[John Riley]

Thanks, Michael and Shaun. I know the meter can be tightened. I've been reading for some time now in and about the Hebrew Bible and the myths of Mesopotamia and Canaan. Back when Yahweh was a perfectly fine storm god with a wife, son of El, and probably the brother of Baal before the Hebrews turned him into this boring invisible guy scolding them like an abusive father. What if you could turn yourself into a fire-breathing god, there are several, and escape the coming guy/same guy who has roofs raised (Mark, Book 2) to pull off his magic tricks?

That's a ridiculous amount to cram into a six-line poem. It's silly but for some reason, I often don't see that as soon as I should.

I always appreciate the help.

[RCL]

Since Shaun suggests a reading into, I'll admit I saw and see this as an attempt at revenge that fails the avenger. Faulkner's "Barn Burning" comes to mind for some reason.

[E. Shaun Russell]

Originally Posted by RCL

Since Shaun suggests a reading into, I'll admit I saw and see this as an attempt at revenge that fails the avenger. Faulkner's "Barn Burning" comes to mind for some reason.

Great reference. I absolutely love "Barn Burning" -- it's among my favorite short stories, and I'm teaching it in a couple of courses this semester. I completely see how you could interpret John's poem through this perspective...and again, that's a strength of the poem, not a weakness (unless one thinks reader-response criticism is without merit).

[David Callin]

Hi John. I like the set-up in the first four lines, and I like the word-magic in the last four lines. I'm having trouble unravelling what the last four lines are saying. There's clearly a crux that I'm missing.

You do seem very in control of your material, though, so the failure of understanding is probably mine.

It has your habitual authority, whatever it is I'm missing.

Cheers

David

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

As with almost of all your poems, I like this. The protagonist is looking for something -- knowledge or transformation or healing -- but doesn't find it, and is a fool for thinking he would. What exactly he seeks is left to the reader. There's enough imagery and symbolism for me, as the reader, to read into it, and to make me want to reread. I like that it's both flowers and weeds that are among the sources of the smoke.

I like the enjambment on "growing up" in L2, just because placed there I see other meanings of "growing up": I could imagine that it was him growing up -- a hint that perhaps the "he" is child. I also like the enjambment on "leaves", again suggesting a double meaning (verb versus plural noun). In that vein, you might consider changing "burning" to "and burned" in L1, just because the enjambment allows us to read, momentarily, that he burns, though you might not want that.

I wonder a little about the title. For example, is there a reason "roof" is singled out? Maybe there's something that adds a little more. Maybe not.

On the metre, it's clearly not strict IP, but I'd also say you have five stresses in (almost) every line. In places you drop unstressed syllables. So, accentual pentameter, I guess, rather than accentual-syllabic. That said, you say you're counting four stresses, though.

Anyway, this is more or less what I hear:

He SET a FIRE to BREATHE the SMOKE, BURNing
RAGweed and WILD(FLOW)ers GROWing UP
the OLD WOODpile, and LEARNED he WAS a FOOL.
The DEEPer he LEANED, the THINNer the SMOKE.
WHAT was NOT there is NOT what eLUDES, LEAVES (or maybe "not THERE" or "NOT THERE")
no BONES in MOURNing, no TAble OVerTURNED
or SHATTered GLASS GLOBE, no RAISED ROOF,
no CREEP of the HEALer COME to LEAVE him aLIVE.

Assuming it's five stresses per line (which it seems to me to mostly be), then L4 is a problem, since there are only four stresses.

L2 is a little ambiguous, as it's unclear if "FLOW" is sufficiently stressed to count. Though I think writing "wild flowers" would resolve that. (In UK, at least, both versions are valid).

L5 is maybe somewhat ambiguous as to whether "not" or "there" or both are stressed. I read that "not" is emphasised due to the repetition.

best,

Matt