[annie nance]

I am the sailor
I am the ship
I am the squalling, raging ocean
I’m the wind, too, while I'm at it

But these fish, they’re getting slower
sicker, dumber
Flinging themselves onto the deck
reluctant seekers that don’t want
what they are looking for
that don't know what they are looking for
that don't know what they don't know

I can forgive them their ignorance
but Jesus Christ, Fish,
take a look around yourselves
Don’t you see the other fish
gasping for air, for water, for freedom, release?

As if that's the way the world’s supposed to be
As if gasping is breathing

[John Boddie]

It's a very good final line.
The rest of it comes across as a heavy-handed sermon to the choir.

JB

[Joe Crocker]

It is an excellent last line. But you do need the preceding context to get there -- the exasperated viewpoint of all the non-fish world. The narrator's frustration is funny and sharp.

[Jim Moonan]

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Hi Annie, I had a thought that may be a leaden one. What if you rewrote the first stanza to say something radically different? Like this:

I am the sailor, not the ship
not the raging ocean, not
the wind either, while I'm at it.

And then take it from there.

The reason why I suggest such a radical turn from "all" is because I feel like that is what is trying to get out but is muffled by the opening stanza's bold declaration. I think it would help to tone down the heavy-handedness that John mentions.

I wonder, too, about repeating "gasping" so close to each other. (YPOu could just grab the bull by the horns and go for something quasi-onomatopoeic like,

As if gasping gasping gasping were breathing.


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