[David Callin]

REVISION

To walk the land is to possess it
on leases of a stride's length,
each ceded easily, without
encumbrance, although
brambles may raise objections, mists
intermeddle, petty fogs
parlay you into dull circum-
locutions, keep on.

Pass quickly by the standing stones,
engrossed in their slow yoga,
on by paths paced out by sheep
in their thoughtful musings,
up to the staring tarn in which
the sky has washed its shining face
and stands around you unenclosed.


ORIGINAL

To walk the land is to possess it
on leases of a stride's length,
each ceded easily, without
encumbrance, although
brambles may raise objections, mists
intermeddle, petty fogs
parlay you into dull circum-
locutions, keep on.
Scrambling out of the metaphor,
take the paths worn out by sheep
in their thoughtful musings,
up to the staring tarn in which
the sky has washed its shining face
and stands around you. Unenclosed.

[David Callin]

(At least I think it's metrical.)

[Alexandra Baez]

Hi, David. I really like the overall feel and the evocative language of this. There’s a ton of metrical variations in it, even in terms of feet, but the sense is very rhythmic, and I never like debates about categorization to distract from substantive critical assessment of a poem whose flow basically “works.”

“Leases of a stride’s length” is interesting. I like the soundplay of “intermeddle” and “petty,” “petty” and “parlay.” And I like the animistic presentation of the various natural interferences described.

It does seem a bit strange to me, though, that you begin describing a lack of encumbrance and then, starting with “although,” you proceed to describe various encumbrances as though they still somehow fall under the umbrella of non-encumbrance—as though a person can will non-encumbrance into being simply by persisting through it. But there’s a difference between being unencumbered and being undaunted. It wouldn’t be hard, probably, to clear up this seeming disconnect. On a technical level, there’s a comma splice before “although” in L4, and because of it, I didn’t realize that this word begins an independent clause until L8’s “keep on.” Perhaps placing a semicolon there instead seemed unattractive to you because you’re trying, after all, to convey a lack of encumbrance (or dauntedness). But if so, I’d argue that for me, at least, the confusion here is an encumbrance and a daunting element of its own.

For a greater sense of narrative flow, I think the poem would benefit from a stanza break after L8, although I question whether what follows is really “scrambling out of the metaphor.” This poem can easily be read literally, but if it is read as a metaphor, aren’t Ls 9-14 more of a development of that metaphor than a shift away from it?

“The staring tarn in which/the sky has washed its shining face/and stands around you” is a wonderful imaginative image, a great way to end the poem. I wonder if you really need “unenclosed” after that--if you have not already evoked that sufficiently, and more artfully, in the preceding description. Also, this last word, especially without a period after it, was so jarring to me that I actually wondered for a moment if the rest of the poem had accidentally been cut off. Of course, I get your intent in omitting the period—to convey a lack of enclosure--but if you do keep “unenclosed,” I think it would go down more easily if it were not presented as a new “sentence,” but followed a comma instead--that would be less "enclosed," too! Still, ending this line a bit “early” metrically by dropping this word entirely could convey a sense of unenclosure, as well, and you might drop the period after “you” for added effect.

[David Callin]

Thanks for chipping on on this one, Alexandra. It's intermittently metrical, isn't it? I think of it as essentially tetrameter, with the odd trimeter interpolation. I'm glad you think the rhythm is there. I think so too.

I think "encumbrance" is a legal term, so I'm riffing on the (legal) lease idea there, but they are all encumbrances of a kind that I mention there - just not ones that I am passing on to the next lessee (although they may well encounter them too).

There is supposed to be a stanza break after line 8. I just forgot to put it in. Elsewhere, my breaking the fourth wall by referring to the metaphor has been mildly (but not universally) frowned on, so I might lose that line.

I was wondering about finishing on the current penultimate line. Is it strong enough by itself? If not, I quite like your suggestion. "Unenclosed" is also a sort of legal term, harking back to the enclosure of common land in England (the bane of John Clare's life). Scotland - and the Isle of Man - didn't have the same experience, I think.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

Cheers

David

[Joe Crocker]

This is an entertaining extended simile of progress up a hill as bureaucratic negotiation. A contract signed with the terrain.

I wasn’t quite sure who was doing the “ceding”, the landscape giving in to the walker or the walker leaving the landscape behind as they continued on. (Both maybe). I can see where Alexandra is coming from in that the “ceding easily” and “without encumbrance “are followed by a list of obstacles to be surmounted. And hillwalking is not often “easy”. I wonder if there is a better way of describing the satisfying progress of putting one foot in front of another.

I like the legalistic jargon. It reminded me of the wording in UK passports requesting and requiring “the bearer to pass freely without let or hindrance.”

Your breaking (scrambling even) of the 4th wall was a typical bit of Callin levity. And the sheep’s thoughtful musings were delightful.

Dropping the last line would work for me. The sky washing its face in the tarn was brilliant.

Joe

[R. Nemo Hill]

David, I very much like the reference that unenclosed provides to that historical 'enclosure of common land' that so dismayed John Clare. Though I think leaving it as its own sentence might be hitting it too hard. Why not just tag it on to what came before, and let it melt into the reader's mind?

and stands around you unenclosed.

I suppose you might shop around for a replacement for the word encumbrance.
And you might make the lines that begin with although their own sentence.
But overall I really like the effect and movement of the whole poem, being an inveterate walker myself.

You might even consider an brief epigraph from John Clare, which would make the poem complete a thought-circle when it came round to the word unenclosed at the end.

Nemo

[Jim Moonan]

.
Alexandra points out that, in spite of the scramble out of metaphor, the poem continues to speak them. As I've said earlier, what I like best is that aspect of the poem — the"scrambling out of the metaphor" only to reveal the poet naked, except for metaphors that he wears like leaves.

The only line I see as being non-metaphorical is, "take the paths worn out by sheep." which is a beautiful line that, although not metaphorical, is richly suggestive of so many things.

You can take the poet out of the metaphor but you can't take the metaphor out of the poet and/or vice versa. : ) The metaphor persists.

The poem made me smile. It's a poem's poem.

.

[John Riley]

Popping in to say I like this, David. It had you all through it.

[Phil Wood]

Enjoyed David. Very relatable to hillwalking. Is the poem also relating to workshop experiences?

[David Callin]

Thanks Joe. I will rethink the ceding of the contract. I thought it worked, but I could be wrong, so that could affect the "although" lines.

I am definitely thinking of rebuilding the fourth wall. And pondering the last line. I hope to come back with another version shortly.

Hi Nemo. I like your idea about the last line, and also the need for a Clare epigraph. I'll have to give some thought to that. And I'm glad you (generally) like it.

Glad you like it too, Jim. I am going back and forward about that metaphor. For me it runs out of steam after eight lines. Or I do.

Thanks for popping in, John. I'm glad you think I'm in there all right.

Ah Phil, thanks. You're a great walker yourself, I know. I hadn't even thought about the workshop experiences aspect, so I'll do that now.

Cheers all

David