[John Whitworth]

Basil Ransome Davies got an honourable mention and Lance Levens won the tea-set. Hearty congratulations to him.

The new competition is odd. I'm not sure how to take it. However, I'm sure you will foind ways.

COMPETITION NO 134
One of the stranger aspects of Gordon Brown's premiership was his uncertainty about which biscuits he liked. Perhaps he had no use for them. So a poem, please, called 'The Use of Biscuits'. Maximum 16 lines.
Entries to 'Competition No 134 by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London WiT3EG), fax (020 74368804) or email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) by 11 February. Don't forget to include your postal address.

[Jerome Betts]

Rimbaud spoke of a drunken boat, but you seem to have a drunken computer, John. Kudos and cake to Lance (will it survive the Atlantic's sundering salt?) and commiserations to the HMs. B.R-D's Chinese cat reminded me of a local takeaway with at least a dozen of them of all sizes, some vigorously waving. I'm never sure whether calling cats were originally Chinese and naturalised in Japan as maneki-neko, or the other way round.

[John Whitworth]

Sorry about that. Orl Korrect now I hope.

[Roger Slater]

The Use of Biscuits

Among the foods some label 'junk'
there's one alone it's fun to dunk
if you are brave enough to risk it
in your coffee: yes, the biscuit.

Surely you'd offend your host
were you to dunk your scone or toast
but no one would think ill of you
for dunking biscuits in your brew.

Yet once you're dunked it, don't delay:
remove that biscuit right away!
Or else you might be heard to mumble,
'That's the way the biscuits crumble.'

[John Whitworth]

Roger, that's very nice. I'll put an old ten shilling note on it. Meanwhile, here's mine. I'll put a ten shilling note on this too. I like it better than most of my entries lately.


The Use of Biscuits

What is the use of biscuits? What
Have biscuits, in their essence, got
That cakes or crisps or crumpets lack?
The perfect or platonic snack,
Adjunctive to a cup of tea;
Are biscuits all that this might be?
Or are they an irrelevance,
A hypocritical pretence,
A mask, a mummery, a sham?
Do biscuit-junkies give a damn
For values decent people feel?
Betrayers of the commonweal
Of common sense and common good,
Of modesty and motherhood!
Race-hate, date-rape and child-abusing
Can all be linked with biscuit using.

[Jesse Anger]

John,

That one is hilarious.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you' Jessie. I giggled a bit myself, I do confess.

[Roger Slater]

John, very funny, but it left me feeling that biscuits can use some defending from your unfair accusations, so:

The Uses of Biscuits

How do I use thee? Let me count the ways.
I use thee as a snack that seems just right
Most mornings, afternoons, and late at night,
When served on paper napkins or on trays.
I use thee as the balm of every day's
Most quiet need, to slake my appetite.
I use thee daily, pausing for a bite.
I use thee plainly, with or without glaze.
I use thee with the passion put to use
When I was still as slender as a wraith.
I use thee with the love I'd never lose
As I grew stout. I use thee with the breath,
Tastes, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I'll use thee still in heaven after death.

[Martin Parker]

The Use Of Biscuits

It’s possible that biscuits hold the answers
To all the problems Man will ever see.
But their packaging is such that extracting them’s too much
For the average Homo Sap. like you and me.

Thus, a Custard Cream might fend off global warming
And a Hobnob might prevent a World War Three.
But they’re so hard to get into that I really can’t begin to
Judge what each biscuit's talent might just be .

A Garribaldi might supply cheap fuel
Or save you from a mauling by a bear
Or become a brilliant dancer or provide us with an answer
To the Rubik’s Cube, the 'flu or Ryannair.

But the talents of all biscuits are uncertain,
Though rumours say they’re good to dunk in tea.
But, as long as they say, “Tear” and the lift-up flap’s not there,
A biscuit’s full potential’s hard to see.

[John Whitworth]

Nice one, Martin.