[John Riley]

Revision II

Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing.

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee.
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here.

I sing on through the night.
Across the way, people come out of homes.
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song.

Others, of course, are upset
that their night has been changed from a hush
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.


***


Revision

Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing.

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee.
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here.

I sing on through the night.
Across the way, people come out of homes.
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song.

Others, of course, are angry
that their night has been changed
by the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

***

Others, of course, are angry
that their night changed to having to hear
the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.


***


Night Call

In the night, in the fog,
at the city creek's bridge rail
I begin to sing.

Every long sound from my throat
shifts the trees as birds flee.
I feel them wondering why is there such a song here.

I sing on through the night.
Across the way, people come out of homes.
Some cry and hold out their arms,
some bring sleepy children to hear the song.

Others are angry, of course,
that their night changed from the tedium
to hearing the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

[Jim Moonan]

.
I like this. I like its wall to wall symbolism and its blanket of darkness. I like the surreal imagery of a man who sings like a loon. I like the symbolism associated with loons. There is a tranquility to it; a wildness to it. But there is also an undercurrent of unresolved change going on, the people of all ages coming out of their houses, waking up from sleep, etc.. But I also sense the poem stretches through the night and ends unresolved just before dawn, which I like. Maybe I'm just in the mood for quiet, loons singing, and ambiguity : )

.

[Roger Slater]

I like this very much. My only suggestion would be to drop "the" from before "tedium."

Actually, I'm not sure I like "tedium" either. You're sort of forcing it to serve as an opposite of song, which I don't think is on point, but mostly I object because it doesn't make sense that the people are angry to lose their tedium. Certainly the angry people would not claim to prefer tedium. That is the speaker's judgment, not theirs.

[Carl Copeland]

John, I won’t attempt to praise this because Jim has done it better than I could. I agree with Roger about dropping “the” before “tedium,” and I personally would prefer “has changed.” I’d also change the word order in L6 to “why there is.” “Why is there” is a direct question that should be set off with appropriate punctuation, including a question mark. Any further criticism is beyond my competence. It’s a poem I’ll remember.

[Matt Q]

Hi John.

I also like this one a lot. It's really good.

I have a few small thoughts:

S2L1 I wonder if he only makes long sounds, or if he makes sounds of a variety of lengths and only the long ones affect the birds. Not sure if that's an issue or not, but it niggled a little as I tried to picture it.

S2L3, I wonder how it would be if you cut "I feel them" and changed the full stop at the end of the previous line into a comma? Maybe the poem would benefit from one less "I", but maybe not. Just floating the idea, rather than arguing for it.

S4L1, just wondered about changing the word order to, "Others, of course, are angry", which would allow the line to break on a stronger word. Not a big deal, though.

S4L1. Like others, I wasn't that hot on "tedium". I did wonder if you could simply cut "from tedium" and these others could just be angry "that their night had changed / to hearing the wingless man ..." and we could be left to imagine why they were angry, what they preferred their night to be.

best,

Matt

[John Riley]

Thanks to all for the comments and suggestions. I’ve held off responding hoping I’d think of a replacement for tedium or decide to only delete it. I’m still thinking but needed to say thanks for the help. I’m pleased it has generally been liked.

[John Riley]

I've posted a revision that uses many of the suggestions. I hope my solution for "tedium" works. I like the sound of "having to hear" and the "singing" in the next line. It's a clean way to have alliteration and assonance. ??? I haven't rejected the other suggestions. I'm being a little slow these last few days.

Thanks

[R. Nemo Hill]

Others, of course, are angry
that their night changed to having to hear
the wingless man singing the song

The phrasing here is still a little stiff in comparison with the clarity of the rest of the poem, John. I think by tedium you may have meant their accustomed routine. How about something like this...?

Others, of course, are angry
that their nightly routine has been changed
by the wingless man singing the song
that does not rise from where
the wide-winged loon would make its call.

Or something like that.

Good poem.

Nemo

[John Riley]

Thanks, Nemo. I made a change based on your suggestion.

[John Boddie]

John -

I think "changed" is too weak. People don't become angry because things have changed, but because their comfortable evening has been interrupted.

JB