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Old 03-16-2017, 03:55 PM
Seree Zohar's Avatar
Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
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Default shaft?

off n away for subbing. tnx

*

Last edited by Seree Zohar; 03-23-2017 at 03:56 AM.
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Old 03-16-2017, 05:01 PM
Gregory Palmerino Gregory Palmerino is offline
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Hi Seree,

I'm imagining a child trying to catch a shaft of light. This is a pretty poem but I'd like to see you experiment with the enjambment more effectively.

For example,

[edit out text]

Something like that anyway. Enjoyable imagery here. Hope something I've suggested helps you work this one out.

Best,
Greg

Last edited by Gregory Palmerino; 03-23-2017 at 07:05 AM.
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:07 PM
Bill Dyes Bill Dyes is offline
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The light which makes up this poem
seems so delicate that it would be easily diminished
by even carefully considered modifications.
It feels like a metaphor of the evolution experienced
as one comes to an understanding.
It portrays understanding's caution and risk of possible revelation.
A move towards mutual acquiescence.
A really marvelous abstract construction
sprinkled very sparsely with very few real things:
'eyelids' and a "lap" and "shards" and
that most wonderful phrase; "surprised kaleidoscope".
Seree, I admire the beauty in this.
Thank you for sharing.

Bill
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Old 03-17-2017, 01:09 PM
maggie flanagan-wilkie maggie flanagan-wilkie is offline
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Removal requested by Seree

Last edited by maggie flanagan-wilkie; 03-23-2017 at 10:57 AM. Reason: Removal requested by Seree
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Old 03-17-2017, 03:22 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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A lovely cameo, Seree. It may just be my perennial thickness, but I'm not sure what's going on with the waning - or the shaft of light's becoming wise.

These are incidental difficulties in a very nice poem.

Cheers

David
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Old 03-17-2017, 07:54 PM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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Seree, how are you? This is an interesting and peculiarly beautiful little poem. I can read and ponder it with pleasure. The title is perfect. My one complaint is the abundance of "its." It's repeated so many times it becomes insistent. I don't know how you can soften that but the poem would be more hypnotic if it was less intrusive.

Hope this helps.
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Old 03-18-2017, 02:41 PM
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Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
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Gregory – a child catching light! I like that interpretation. In this case I'm hesitant to shorten the lines because I want to preserve the concept of the ‘length’ of a shaft of light. Tnx.

Bill – tnx for weighing in. I hope the small changes haven’t upset the delicate balance.

Maggie – there’s an assumption in your version that the light accepted the lap, and I’m always very hesitant about using ‘still’ which carries two meanings, one of which I definitely do not want. Tnx for coming by – sometimes seeing how a piece is perceived by another reader also helps reinforce my understanding of what I definitely DO want to keep.

David – ‘wane’ has been addressed. I wonder if that works better now. Tnx.

John – funny and fun that we’re both back around the same time. Yes, I see your point, and addressed in the rev. Tnx so much.
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Old 03-18-2017, 06:59 PM
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Katie Hoerth Katie Hoerth is offline
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Hi Seree!

This is exquisite. I love the imagery here, especially the first two lines.
Like others, I found some of the enjambments a bit jarring, though it looks like you've done that deliberately. Line 4 has a particularly awkward pause for me.
One other suggestion I have is to take another look at line 6. It feels a bit wordy, and in such a short poem, every sound matters.

Yes, she'd known, and yet, caught

Have you considered stanza breaks to slow the poem's pace? Just something to think about.

Lastly, I like all the active verbs in this poem. It's vivid. And well-written overall.

Thanks for sharing,
K.
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:18 AM
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Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
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Good idea on L6, Katie. I've split into 2, to try and make reach / out more accessible. I think we're so used to hearing 'reach-out' as one phrase that I'm hoping the break now serves as sufficient pause to show 'out' as determination. Now that I've split, I might break into couplets. It's think-time. Tnx!
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Old 03-21-2017, 07:32 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Hi Seree,

Lots to like here.

In the revision, I think "Shattered momentarily" seems to refers to the girl (also reinforced by "buckled" I think, and the loss of "it" before "would"). I guess she could be shattered, if she she took it very hard, but is that what you mean? In the original it's the light that shatters.

Also, you have a stanza break on "reached" and I'm unclear on why. I assume there's some reason to separate the verb "reached / out" but I can't see it. Even in the original it strikes me as an odd choice of enjambment. Maybe I'm missing something?

I think the loss of "it" before lap is a good idea.

I was happy with "waned" although I guess "buckled" offers more of a visual image. I read it that her efforts wane, her will to pursue the light. Also, via moon, there is is some connection to light (and antithetically to sunlight).

Is there an alternative to "shards", which, rightly or wrongly, is considered by some a poetry cliche (I even have books that warn against it!). I can't suggest an alternative though, and maybe it's not really an issue.

best,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 03-21-2017 at 07:49 PM.
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