[Glenn Wright]

Here is an alternate version in first person. Any improvement?

Still Life with Flowers

Good principals begin their days at six.
I parked my car beside graffitied bricks.
Huddled in the darkness of the hall
some students and a woman tried to affix

a massive plaque of flowers to the wall
below a banner. The woman, brown and tall,
gave a curt greeting, clearly in command.
I warily returned a nod to all.

I told them I was sure they’d understand,
but floral tributes had been strictly banned.
I didn’t mention, though I had been told,
the girl had met her death by her own hand.

I told them not to worry. I would hold
the flowers in my office. Red and gold—
school colors. I’d be sure to give them water.
The woman (was she the mother?), loud and cold,

asked me, “Do you have a school-age daughter?
If so, what do you hope her school has taught her?
Your students come to you like lambs to the slaughter.
My girl—just look where you and your school have brought her.”



Original version:

Still Life with Flowers

The principal began his day at six.
He parked his car beside graffitied bricks.
Together in the darkness of the hall
some students huddled, trying to affix

a massive plaque of flowers to the wall
below a banner. A woman, brown and tall,
gave a curt greeting, clearly in command.
The principal returned a nod to all.

He told them he was sure they’d understand,
but floral tributes had been strictly banned.
He didn’t mention, but he had been told,
the girl had met her death by her own hand.

He told them not to worry, he would hold
the flowers in his office. Red and gold,
school colors, he’d be sure to give them water.
The woman (was she the mother?), unconsoled,

asked him, “Do you have a school-age daughter?
If so, what do you hope her school has taught her?
These students come to you like lambs to the slaughter.
My girl—just look where you and your school have brought her.”

——————————-
Edits:
L3: He saw in joyless darkness in the hall > Together in the darkness of the hall
L4: some students, huddled, trying to affix > some students huddled, trying to affix
L16: The woman (was she the mother?) unconsoled, > The woman (was she the mother?), unconsoled,
L19: Are you afraid she’ll think about self-slaughter? > These students come as lambs come to the slaughter. > These students come to you like lambs to the slaughter.

[Carl Copeland]

You’re certainly a good verse storyteller, Glenn. A few thoughts:

With all the recent talk about telliness, I suppose I should note “joyless,” which announces a minor key before we hear the first chords. As if you’d titled the poem “School Suicide,” rather than the wonderful “Still Life with Flowers.”

“He didn’t mention …” Is the implication that suicides don’t deserve tributes? Is this a strict religious school, and do they go that far?

You need a comma before “unconsoled.”

The interlocking rhymes are high difficulty and skillfully done. The only one that seems forced is “self-slaughter,” which is clever, but doesn’t fit easily in the woman’s mouth. I think you should find another quintuple rhyme (just kidding!).

The mother’s image as strong and stoical is cracked at the end when she puts the blame on the principal. We know that he’s callous, but it was probably more complicated than that.

[W T Clark]

You'll never make the poem seem real when you are too busy with bringing out unreal archaisms like "self-slaughter" for rhyme. It's a matter of not thinking about literature, and thinking about language. How can I believe in the story when the writer only believes in it as an occasion to rhyme?

Hope this helps.

[John Riley]

This is what I can’t get my mind around. This is a poem about a possible high school student’s suicide and the school admin apparently trying to cover it up. That will never be a narrative, topic, that should be in an a-a-b-a rhyme scheme. Not to mention the imposed meter. Maybe in the 18th century if you’re Pope or someone. I’m sure others here don’t see it my way but this makes me happy there are other ways to write poetry.

[Roger Slater]

Sorry, but I'll be piling on, since I think the poem is not very good. I'd withhold a negative critique if I thought this was typical of your work, but frankly I'm surprised at this effort given the quality and polish of your work I've seen so far. It almost seems to be written by a different person, not the Glenn Wright I have come to know.

The poem strikes me as nothing but a poorly versified anecdote, with the verse adding nothing to the story or the emotion. In fact, writing in verse seems to have forced you to add details that are only there for the rhyme. Who cares at what hour the principal starts his day? Who cares that there are bricks near his parking space? If this story were being told in prose, I don't think you'd have been tempted to mention either detail.

And the verse leads to many instances of padding. Why "trying" to affix? Are they having trouble doing so? And why "strictly banned" instead of just "banned," except to pad out the meter?

Why would he have to "mention" that the girl had committed suicide? They're there in the morning putting up a memorial, so I would think they must already know it, especially since the "brown and tall" woman (why do we care if she is tall except for the rhyme?) is likely the girl's mother.

When he told them they couldn't leave the flowers, why would he think they wouldn't have to worry because he'd keep the flowers in his office? Their concern was obviously not about what would happen to the flowers, or if they'd be watered, but to have a public display. Why would the principal think that it's a consolation to them to have the flowers put into a private administrative office?

Why doesn't the principal merely ask her if she was the mother? Were there no introductions or words spoken? If a principal sees an adult in the school he doesn't recognize, you would think he'd inquire, wouldn't you? Especially these days, adult trespassers on school grounds are a big concern.

What the woman asks him seems artificial. Why would she ask him what he hopes his hypothetical daughter will be taught in school? Why would she refer to suicide as "self-slaughter"? (Maybe she had been reading Hamlet?)

And finally, I don't get how you are using the last three words, "have brought her." I don't think in a million years anyone would phrase it that way. Where has she been "brought"? She hasn't been brought anywhere.

Again, I know you're a lot better than this. Bin it!

[Carl Copeland]

Roger, I probably agree with you more than I disagree, and I do think Glenn is capable of better, but …

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

Who cares at what hour the principal starts his day? Who cares that there are bricks near his parking space? … why do we care if she is tall except for the rhyme?

I care. I like random details like this. And they’re not entirely random. The principal has a long, hard day, which may help explain, though not excuse, his callousness. The “graffitied bricks” hint that he has a lot to deal with and that it’s not a strict religious school, as I wondered earlier. The woman’s tallness is a physical sign of her strength and authority.

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

When he told them they couldn't leave the flowers, why would he think they wouldn't have to worry because he'd keep the flowers in his office? ... Why would the principal think that it's a consolation to them to have the flowers put into a private administrative office?

Typical misdirection. I can easily hear the principal saying, “We can’t have these here, but don’t worry: the flowers will be just fine in my office until we decide what to do with them.” If we accept his logic, that should be consoling. Of course, it isn’t.

[Glenn Wright]

Looks like a swing and a miss. I knew this poem would ruffle a few feathers. I rarely write poems about controversial social issues, but in this case, having spent 43 years as a teacher and administrator in public schools and a college, I unfortunately have had experience with this situation. In 1996 when I was a high school principal, we had a policy in my school district banning memorials at school for deceased students. This is a surprisingly controversial issue, as a quick dive into Google will show. Some mental health experts warn that such memorials —particularly of suicides—glorify the act and encourage copycats. Others feel that memorials can provide needed closure and enable students to support each other and move on. The research is inconclusive.

Thanks, Carl, WT, John, and Roger for your comments. I’ll address them not to try to convince you that my poem is really any good, but to answer your question, “What the hell was he thinking?”

Carl, I got rid of “joyless” and added the errant comma. All of you cringed at my theft of “self-slaughter” from Hamlet’s soliloquy so that line went into the stock pot. I replaced it with a cliché that might sound more believable on the lips of the woman who seems unlikely to have a PhD in English literature of the Renaissance.

John, I chose the rubaiyat form to establish a connection to Frost’s “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” which many readers have seen as a poem about a contemplated suicide. I also just really like the form.

Roger, the students are “trying” to affix the plaque of flowers to the wall because it is “massive” and unwieldy. Also, they know they are likely to get in trouble for the memorial, so they may be a bit conflicted. The principal adds the word “strictly” to suggest that he feels that the powers-that-be are stricter than he might be if it were up to him. He might have been tempted to mention the suicide as an additional reason why the display might be forbidden, but he tactfully omits this mention. The woman’s color suggests a racial component to the interaction that the principal will want to consider in any direct confrontation. Her height suggests someone who is unlikely to let herself be pushed around. Your distaste for “self-slaughter” is a fair point, which I hope I improved a bit. Where the principal and school “brought her” was to her grave. Fairly or not, the mother holds the principal’s incompetence and lack of compassion responsible for contributing to her daughter’s death.

I was mainly interested in studying the principal. He seems to want to do a good job, but is hog-tied by restrictive rules and policies. His promise to water the flowers, which have been woven into a plaque, is impossible and ridiculous. His mistaken assumption that the woman and students are going to be comforted by his concern for the flowers shows how incompetent he is in real human interactions. I meant it to be a parallel of his inability to provide any meaningful or useful education or security for the students in his charge. He seems much more interested in sports, school colors, rules and regulations—things that are easy to manage. Why doesn’t he try to offer the woman some sympathy or consolation? Is he callous or just cowardly, unwilling to risk getting called onto the carpet by his boss? At the end the woman tells the principal not to look at the flowers, but to look at the dead child.

Well, I don’t give up easily. I’ll try dinking around with it a bit more. Again, thanks for your time and suggestions. You are helping me to learn my limits.
Glenn

[Roger Slater]

Just to be clear, none of my feathers were ruffled by your poem. I was reacting to the poem as a poem, not to its message (whatever that might be).

[John Riley]

Glenn, I wasn’t asking why you chose the form. I said it fails with this poem. But your answer is revealing. Reading the poem I can feel the chosen form being pressed into the narrative. I don’t know about suicide and the Frost poem. Frost is open to many interpretations. But in Stopping by the Woods nothing feels pressured. The form grows from the poem. I think more time and relationship to the poem’s topic, narrative, until you find the right form is a better approach than deciding on the form first.

[Glenn Wright]

I tried a re-do in first person. I figured the connection to Frost’s “Stopping by Woods” might be clearer and the dramatic irony of the principal’s cluelessness might be more effective.