I was mentioning elsewhere to a new poet that reviewing isn't too bad. If you learn the tricks of the trade, there are at least half a dozen concrete tips that every critic scans for. Sometimes too automatically, if I'm honest. I know I've occasionally fallen into the rattling these off by rote. I chalk quite a few up to fashion. They are "rules" that wouldn't have been rules in other eras, and might not be rules again as time passes. Right now, it seems they are, and they're good to know.
1) God help you if you use more than one adjective per noun and more than one adverb per action.
Poet: Go through a done poem and strike every modifier. Go back in two weeks and put back in the ones you still can't stand to see gone. Ask if a more precise noun would relieve you of needing any adjective at all.
Critic: Circle every adjective, suggest brevity is a virtue, remind writer purple prose went out of fashion with Queen Victoria's passing. If the writer is completely mad and used more than two adjectives per noun, kill him.
2) Do not write about love, puppies, rainbows, elves, or small children with chocolate-smeared faces.
Poet: If you do, make sure you are not in the least sentimental in your outlook. Perhaps the chocolate-smeared children can be eaten by a love-sick puppy in the last strophe, as a metaphor for existential angst.
Critic: You can just release a heavy, pained sigh instead of commenting or you can leave a vague comment that indicates you are far beyond appreciating any such nonsense. Leave the imprint of a squashed elf on the page. That usually makes a statement. It is rude to mention that Hallmark is hiring, or that Anne Geddes needs someone to write captions.
3 Do not use verbs that end in -ing. There are actually reasons.
Poet: it's much quicker to just accept the rule and get rid of them
Critic: circle every passive verb and suggest each should be changed. Quick, easy, and also good advice.
4) Don't use any abstract concepts. At all. Ever.
Poet: Don't use words like "love," "hate," "justice" and "destiny." People have no idea what those words mean and they will not understand what you are saying, at all. Use words like "chair" "stone" "cup" and "juice" to represent the abstract concepts. All are tangible things and every reader can clearly picture those objects.
Critics: Pretend you have no idea what love, hate, justice, and destiny mean. Suggest that if a stone fell off a chair and spilled a cup of juice, it have much more impact and would clearly illustrate the concept of "destiny" in a concrete manner.
5) Do not write a poem if you can't really explain what it means. Do not fall back on "I want the reader to interpret the images themselves, and to apply meaning to my words from their own experience." Do not claim that you are attempting the same thing that the abstract artists attempted in other media. Little do you know, but eight million poets before you have tried that same line, and they were told they were spouting nonsense, too.
Poet: Even if you have no idea what your poem means, think of *something* before you share it. Make it good. If the poem obviously has nothing to do with your claimed subject matter, you will be chastised.
Critic: Chastise those who want you to tell them what their poem means to you. Be clear on the fact you did not find deep, hidden linkages between the toaster and a Chevy Camero, and that melting watches somehow take on more significance in a painting.
6) Make sure you take your inspiration from the right place.
Poet: Good writers to emulate - any Poet Laureate. Bad writers to emulate - Britney Spears.
Critic: Look for language that indicates confused influences and point it out. For instance, "Thine eyes are like diamonds that glitter on the tongue stud of my life, oooh, baby baby" is undoubtedly someone who has heard the top forty and read Shakespeare. Be patient. It wears off.
Anyone have some to add? I can't have hit them all...
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