|
Notices |
It's been a while, Unregistered -- Welcome back to Eratosphere! |
|
03-22-2004, 06:54 PM
|
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Beaumont, TX
Posts: 4,769
|
|
Demon Rum
The beachfront bar's an altar built to rum:
Mt. Gay, Bacardi, Pusser's, Appleton.
An acolyte attends on the steel drum
while I drain frosted tumblers one by one.
Novitiate to the beauty of cane punch,
I'm swaying in the demon's sweaty hold
with nothing but an old, reliable hunch
that one more round and I will be out cold.
Who cares? Curled up in rum's warm sugar shack
I think, "If this is love; it's not half bad."
The old thirst snakes my veins: reptilian, black,
sucking the life from every dream I've had,
stranding me here where you can never follow,
and as the cries clot in my throat, I swallow, swallow.
Another sonnet with a final alexandrine that works pretty well. The second line is a triumph, getting all those familiar labels into flawless pentameter. I think something better than "tumblers" could fit in line four--"chalices" would be the obvious choice but wouldn't work metrically. The metaphor in line eleven is a little redundant; after "snake," "reptilian" doesn't add anything. Who's the "you" in line thirteen? A little late for an auditor to be showing up in the poem.
|
03-23-2004, 06:28 AM
|
Lariat Emeritus
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Fargo ND, USA
Posts: 13,816
|
|
This is from a sequence of three sonnets addressed to the poet's lover. She's drinking rum punch, called painkillers, and they come in big frosted tumblers. I was in the bar. Highballs would be an alternate word. I completely agree about line 2, although line 10 is even better.
|
03-23-2004, 08:38 AM
|
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Beaumont, TX
Posts: 4,769
|
|
I was looking for a word that would carry something of the religious conceit. "Vessels"?
|
03-23-2004, 01:25 PM
|
|
Distinguished Guest
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: United States
Posts: 2,444
|
|
I adored this one -- that whole play on the "spirits," and additionally for being in an attitude that is completely alien (and therefore interesting) to me. Unlike Sam, I like the "you" in the close. It seems adroit to me, lending the poem the right amount of pathos and raison d'etre, but I'm not keen on both the repetition of the swallowing AND the fact it's turning the line into an alexandrine. To me, it seems overkill.
Beautiful and poignant, overall.
Best,
Jennifer
|
03-23-2004, 10:00 PM
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Queensland, (was Sydney) Australia
Posts: 15,574
|
|
I'm a wine drinker so this is all a bit heavy for me.
Is "jigger" too small a vessel to replace "tumbler" in line 4?
It reminds me of the time I passed out after one glass of scrumpy.
I'm afraid that I don't care for the Alexandrine last line. One swallow would have made the point better I feel.
It's a successful poem for me because it's so enclosed and concentrated.
Janet
Demon Rum
The beachfront bar's an altar built to rum:
Mt. Gay, Bacardi, Pusser's, Appleton.
An acolyte attends on the steel drum
while I drain frosted tumblers one by one.
Novitiate to the beauty of cane punch,
I'm swaying in the demon's sweaty hold
with nothing but an old, reliable hunch
that one more round and I will be out cold.
Who cares? Curled up in rum's warm sugar shack
I think, "If this is love; it's not half bad."
The old thirst snakes my veins: reptilian, black,
sucking the life from every dream I've had,
stranding me here where you can never follow,
and as the cries clot in my throat, I swallow, swallow.
|
03-24-2004, 01:35 PM
|
|
Member
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Maryland, USA
Posts: 3,745
|
|
I like the extra swallow. She may have intended it as a kind of echo of the drinker's behavior -- one more drink than is needed, one more swallow.
It's also possible to read the line with only five strong stresses:
and as the CRIES CLOT in my THROAT i SWAL low SWAL low
|
03-28-2004, 08:58 PM
|
Distinguished Guest
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Valparaiso, IN
Posts: 280
|
|
I agree that the last line would be much less effective with just one "swallow."
And as cries clot my throat, I swallow, swallow
maybe? But the extra syllables don't really bother me. I'd probably scan the line as Rose does, with five beats rather than six.
A powerful poem, one of my favorites in the bunch.
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Member Login
Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,410
Total Threads: 21,945
Total Posts: 271,882
There are 462 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum Sponsor:
|
|
|
|
|
|