Forever ours is love
but we are men of shells;
and passing years and days
are silver-sounding bells.
Returning joys are dreams,
and age embraces sleep
where bygone youth and love
are burning bright and deep.
Love is long and death is brief;
for naught is death, but love is time
in selflessness becoming grief,
splendid, sacred and sublime.
Sublime and sacred, splendid grief
becoming selflessness in time
is love, but death is naught, for brief
is death and long is love.
Deep and bright-burning
are love and youth gone by
where sleep embraces age
and dreams are joys returning.
Bells sounding silver
are days and years passing;
and shells of men are we,
but love is ours forever.
i like this quite a lot.
the title, not so much.
and the inversion of L.1 sounds like Yoda, as most
inversions do, which i'd fix if it were mine.
beyond L.1 i think it's delightful...
Not being much of an SF guy I had no idea what a Yoda was or is. Thought you might have meant Yoga. Feel free to suggest a fix for the problem you see in L1, as I don't see or hear it myself. I'm glad you like the little experiment otherwise. It's not difficult really. Just use copulas: A is B so B is A; or A does something to or with B that B might do to or with A.
Yoda is the wee green guy in Star Wars, who speaks inversion-speak
all the time and has kinda killed inversion in poetry for at least the next
200 years, thankfully.
Though to say, I’m a real sucker for this kind of thing, esp. S.2/3.
I’ve been reading a lot of Donne recently and it’s amazing
how he affects my sensibility. But,,I do feel tho that L.1 is
just too laden with a kind of predictable gravity to do any good.
It’s not the word love as such but just the line itself.
Donne would say something like
thou,soul, a ferment, blaze,
or something wierd and wonderful as a complete distraction
for what comes next.
But you understand, Conny, that I do not live in the world to which you refer as finding some kind of verse played out by a fictional character, Reading John Donne is commendable. Real poetry like most of his, lives through all fads and antifads. I write primarily for mental exercise, to hold off as long as I can the mental paralysis of Parkinsonism. Even without that problem, at nearly 93, when I can still make a decent poem it means I am still in one important sense, alive.
wow, that's commendable. writing for mental exercise is a great
thing to do. and i certainly mean no offence in relation to inversion.
i was only kinda joking about Yoda....; in point of fact some inversions
do work, others don't. to be totally serious though, as a poetic
device it's just not something i'd use in a fist line as it has a strange
pungency that sends a particular signal to the reader.
and i also agree about fads and literary fashion. like yourself i
suspect, i am very interested in the poem as a kind of organic
machine, as well as therapy, designed to work in the best way it
can. what makes a good line is something i think about all the
time, even when i'm asleep.
(and the poem is better than decent btw).
Thanks for your understanding observations, Conny. Icurrently try to do at least a short poem per day, or else a few stanzas of one of my long poems, usually the one consisting of memories from the day I met my beautiful dife, in 1953 until her death in 2086. This should take me a couple more if I can keep going that long. As to short aily poems, my difficulty is s often finding the best last line as thinking of an idea and first line. How are you on last lines?" There's one I am stuck on just now. I think I may have used up the good linesd too early and may have to rearrange the stanzas somehow.. If I can't make it work that way I may post it here next Tuesday to see whether you or anyone else who looks in has a line to suggugest.
Mostly, though the first and last lines spring into my mind at about the same time the idea occurs to me. I like it best when the poem writes itsellf.
I think I have to leave this one the way it is. Not a big deal, just an amusement,
line composition is what it’s all about obviously. I’ve often
waited months/years for things to resolve themselves, then
other times have seemed to finish a poem in an afternoon.
It’s all very strange.
Stanza swapping and line swapping are definitely very useful. I even
Sometimes print the thing off and cut the lines with scissors, then
rearrange them as if they are literally a jigsaw puzzle. As to last
lines I know what you mean. for me, I sometimes simply over write:
Meaning If I want 4 stanzas i’ll Write at least 6. Sonnets also. I know i’ll Need
14 lines so write at least 18/20...
Hello again Conny
Followjng your method I think I have been able to rescue the poem for which I could not come up with a goo last line.
The penultimate line was
"Dear only child of ours"
then????to rhyme with play. day, etc.
I dropped that line and moved the rest of the original last stanza to be a middle quatrain as follows ( I hope discussion of other problem poems is allowed by the deep end rules)
Annie, are you sleeping
on this your day of birth,
a holiday for keeping,
in joyfulness and mirth.
Now rain is slowly is seeping
into the shoveled earth..
When you were born all flowers
were also born that day.
This morning icy showers
on wreathes of lilies play,
and roses in their bowers
are weeping life away.
If fate were reconciled
to fair, or reason seen,
Sunday's laughing child
this morning would have been,
when heaven woke and smiled,
a lady full sixteen.
I hope it works. The title means Sad Morning.
What do you think?. Is the closing strong enough?. It seems so to me but then I am perhaps too much involved to judge. None of my autobiographical poems are for general publication, but possibly one of my great grandchildren might think differently, so I want to make them as good as I can. Are you publishing as you go now?
hi. sorry for the delay.
i like it very much. I'm a big fan of Thomas Hardy so get
sucked into this kind of thing straight away.
shower should maybe be showers,
my only real nits i think would be self-same, which is a bit
too hardy-esque imo. and the last line, again sounds off
key to me.
the rest i think is great.
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