Fess up! Poems about what you do really BADLY
 

(We can't be good at everything, after all... :rolleyes:)

“The World’s Worst Gardener”. Yes, it’s justified.
That’s me alright. My Busy Lizzies died,
and they’re the easiest thing to grow, I’m told.
I killed them; they weren’t even ten days old.
I pay a man to cut the lawn. It’s fine;
responsibility for plants is mine.
Poor plants! Yes, I can almost hear you groan.
“The World’s Worst Gardener” is how I’m known
among the neighbours, relatives and friends.
The list of my disasters never ends.
I used some ‘fertiliser’, from the shed,
except it was weed-killer. That rose bed,
like everything I touch, is now stone dead.

My husband is “The World’s Worst… ” (Number Two.)
Lay concrete everywhere – that’s what he’d do!
But I, at least, attempt to grow some flowers,
and some of them have lived for several hours.
I do forget to water things in pots,
and in this kind of weather they need lots,
of course. I find that pansies are forgiving…
I’ve got ten tubs of them; they’re all still living!
They let me know they’re thirsty, ’cos they droop,
but then they bounce back up again. I whoop
with joy at this, so they’re a nice safe bet.
I’m optimistic that there’s some hope YET
that I could lose that “World’s Worst” epithet.

What do I do badly?
I rather suck at small talk.
Even worse is, sadly,
That, to me, that's all talk.

Jayne, go with cacti! They're very forgiving.

Technology
Baffles me;
Smartphones and such
All speak in Dutch
Where I'm concerned.
I haven't learned
To add an app;
To Google Map.
I'm no spring chicken,
But what the dicken-
S! Could I be first
To do this worst?

Me, I find the New Age stuff hard to get to grips with...

Doing Without Dolphins

Persuaded here against my better judgement,
feeling the oil-and-crystal ambience,
lying alert and still.

“I swim with dolphins” says the massage lady,
“it is a mystical experience”.

Prone on the table, through a face-shaped hole
watching my own fists clenching into knots,
thinking – what if my hands could see my face?
All jowls and eyebags, slowly dripping down
to form a nightmare physiognomy –
a winner in a gurning competition …

I try to share this with the massage lady:
“Do you know gurning?” “No”, she says and then
returns deftly to the subject of dolphins.
“They are so good, such spiritual beings;
“one knows they know the secrets of the soul
“and how to heal it…”

Her little stroking hands; my tired flesh
shuddering under their ministrations,
my head fighting to bring disparate worlds
to an accommodation.

Spirituality is not my thing
but stretched out at the mercy of a stranger
I did experience a small epiphany.

Some put their faith in dolphins; some cannot.
Somebody who fine-tunes her view of life
by mugging at it through a toilet seat
does not escape responsibility.

I’ll seek alternative alternatives,
working on ways of mending what is broken
which do not call for the participation
of dolphins.

Arithmetic
Is one more trick
That I can't get my head around.
The more I add,
The more I'm bad.
I can't keep my feet on the ground.

My dad taught math.
Though in the bath
He didn't shout eureka,
He did it well.
For me, it's Hell,
And I keep getting weaker.

For Aaron...
 

(I don't do small talk, either - I do big talk instead :D)

As a kid I was painfully shy;
being spoken to just made me cry,
but who knows what occurred...?!
Now you can't get a word
in, with me. But, you can at least try.

I wrote a mildly clever drill
That did a fellow poster ill,
Then chickened out, because I'm bad
At handling others when they're mad.

Screw Spot!
 

My Debt to Dick and Jane

I couldn’t read the Dick and Jane
that nearly drove this kid insane.
After school I would be cowed
trying to read their names aloud.
And more: See the cookies galore
from under the kitch- kitch- en door!
Do I recall that simple rhyme
because the brutal sweep of time
made me learn to read and write,
despite my Dicky/Janie spite?
It was a truly precious bane,
although their names still rhyme with pain.

Oi, Ralph, so does mine! :p

But can we hear what you're really bad at now, please? :)

Jayne

Jayne,

Ha! Considering some recent reactions to my reading, writing (and yes, 'rithmetic), I still have Dick and Jane days. Now? Those Dick and Jane days!