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Old 06-26-2018, 10:50 AM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Default Fess up! Poems about what you do really BADLY

(We can't be good at everything, after all... )

“The World’s Worst Gardener”. Yes, it’s justified.
That’s me alright. My Busy Lizzies died,
and they’re the easiest thing to grow, I’m told.
I killed them; they weren’t even ten days old.
I pay a man to cut the lawn. It’s fine;
responsibility for plants is mine.
Poor plants! Yes, I can almost hear you groan.
“The World’s Worst Gardener” is how I’m known
among the neighbours, relatives and friends.
The list of my disasters never ends.
I used some ‘fertiliser’, from the shed,
except it was weed-killer. That rose bed,
like everything I touch, is now stone dead.

My husband is “The World’s Worst… ” (Number Two.)
Lay concrete everywhere – that’s what he’d do!
But I, at least, attempt to grow some flowers,
and some of them have lived for several hours.
I do forget to water things in pots,
and in this kind of weather they need lots,
of course. I find that pansies are forgiving…
I’ve got ten tubs of them; they’re all still living!
They let me know they’re thirsty, ’cos they droop,
but then they bounce back up again. I whoop
with joy at this, so they’re a nice safe bet.
I’m optimistic that there’s some hope YET
that I could lose that “World’s Worst” epithet.
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  #2  
Old 06-26-2018, 10:57 AM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is online now
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What do I do badly?
I rather suck at small talk.
Even worse is, sadly,
That, to me, that's all talk.

Last edited by Aaron Novick; 06-26-2018 at 11:03 AM.
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:07 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Jayne, go with cacti! They're very forgiving.

Technology
Baffles me;
Smartphones and such
All speak in Dutch
Where I'm concerned.
I haven't learned
To add an app;
To Google Map.
I'm no spring chicken,
But what the dicken-
S! Could I be first
To do this worst?
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:14 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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Me, I find the New Age stuff hard to get to grips with...

Doing Without Dolphins

Persuaded here against my better judgement,
feeling the oil-and-crystal ambience,
lying alert and still.

“I swim with dolphins” says the massage lady,
“it is a mystical experience”.

Prone on the table, through a face-shaped hole
watching my own fists clenching into knots,
thinking – what if my hands could see my face?
All jowls and eyebags, slowly dripping down
to form a nightmare physiognomy –
a winner in a gurning competition …

I try to share this with the massage lady:
“Do you know gurning?” “No”, she says and then
returns deftly to the subject of dolphins.
“They are so good, such spiritual beings;
“one knows they know the secrets of the soul
“and how to heal it…”

Her little stroking hands; my tired flesh
shuddering under their ministrations,
my head fighting to bring disparate worlds
to an accommodation.

Spirituality is not my thing
but stretched out at the mercy of a stranger
I did experience a small epiphany.

Some put their faith in dolphins; some cannot.
Somebody who fine-tunes her view of life
by mugging at it through a toilet seat
does not escape responsibility.

I’ll seek alternative alternatives,
working on ways of mending what is broken
which do not call for the participation
of dolphins.
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:16 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Arithmetic
Is one more trick
That I can't get my head around.
The more I add,
The more I'm bad.
I can't keep my feet on the ground.

My dad taught math.
Though in the bath
He didn't shout eureka,
He did it well.
For me, it's Hell,
And I keep getting weaker.
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:53 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Default For Aaron...

(I don't do small talk, either - I do big talk instead )

As a kid I was painfully shy;
being spoken to just made me cry,
but who knows what occurred...?!
Now you can't get a word
in, with me. But, you can at least try.
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Old 06-26-2018, 11:58 AM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is online now
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I wrote a mildly clever drill
That did a fellow poster ill,
Then chickened out, because I'm bad
At handling others when they're mad.

Last edited by Aaron Novick; 06-26-2018 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 06-26-2018, 01:56 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Default Screw Spot!

My Debt to Dick and Jane

I couldn’t read the Dick and Jane
that nearly drove this kid insane.
After school I would be cowed
trying to read their names aloud.
And more: See the cookies galore
from under the kitch- kitch- en door!

Do I recall that simple rhyme
because the brutal sweep of time
made me learn to read and write,
despite my Dicky/Janie spite?
It was a truly precious bane,
although their names still rhyme with pain.
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Last edited by RCL; 06-26-2018 at 02:07 PM.
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Old 06-26-2018, 01:59 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Oi, Ralph, so does mine!

But can we hear what you're really bad at now, please?

Jayne
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Old 06-26-2018, 02:10 PM
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Jayne,

Ha! Considering some recent reactions to my reading, writing (and yes, 'rithmetic), I still have Dick and Jane days. Now? Those Dick and Jane days!
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