Jayne, you personalized the end of the world, I love the idea of it. The content of it. But I think maybe the progression is off, and the shifting back and forward in time thing is a little jarring, to me anyway. I also think the enjambments are working against it, they roughen the flow and muddle the lines. And, sorry, but there's just a few too many trite phrases that need to be replaced with some personalization--it's a personal poem
I really hope you'll keep at it--I think it will be stand out among the entries.
Best,
Donna