[Donna English]

Jayne, you personalized the end of the world, I love the idea of it. The content of it. But I think maybe the progression is off, and the shifting back and forward in time thing is a little jarring, to me anyway. I also think the enjambments are working against it, they roughen the flow and muddle the lines. And, sorry, but there's just a few too many trite phrases that need to be replaced with some personalization--it's a personal poem I really hope you'll keep at it--I think it will be stand out among the entries.

Best,
Donna

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks for the kind words and the feedback, Donna. I'll see if I can iron out some of the wrinkles you mention.

Back then, people (especially our mothers) often said, "It's not the end of the world" whenever something happened that, as kids, we found hard to deal with! That's what gave me the idea.

I'm not sure I agree with you that the enjambments make it flow roughly, though; end-stopped lines can be tedious sometimes. But I will keep at it... just for you, dear Donna

[John Whitworth]

Jayne, I can't help feeling that 'grieving' is wrong. The rest of the poem sounds like the kid talking (though I knw it's the adult) but grieving sees to me to sound a false note. But perhaps I hate the word too much bnecause of 'the grieving process' and suchlike. I've never myself actally USED the word in ordinary life, though it's true I may have in a poem.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi John,
Thanks; I value your opinion. I've changed "two grieving kids" to "unhappy kids". Does that work?

[John Whitworth]

Yes, Jayne. I think that is better.

[Jerome Betts]

Yes, Pluto’s ga-ga now, poor mutt,
His wits, like Goofy’s, on the roam,
Old Bambi’s past it come the rut
While Snow White’s in a nursing home.

M. Mouse can hardly raise a squeak
And Donald D. is far from spry,
His apoplectic pride and pique
Long lost to Anno Domini.

The years have mounted their campaign
Against which magic can’t defend ;
They shore the kingdom up in vain
For even Disney’s world must end.

[John Whitworth]

Very nice, Jerome. I reckon that has a real chance.