Judge's Comments
Latin Operative One, welcome.
On the Death of a Most Honorable Man, John Manwood,
Lord Chief Baron of the Queen’s Exchequer
The burglar’s nightmare, somber scourge of rakes,
Jove’s Hercules, the vulture of rough thieves,
The form for translation is a clear winner. The attention to sound and import in the opening line is arresting. I applaud. That first line seems just right. However, metrically, line two drags, with “rough thieves.” Pairing it with the plodding “vulture of” is nearly fatal. We have a single syllable word in English which condenses those two: “thugs.” How about getting away from the literal just a little, with:
Jove’s Hercules, the scavenger of thugs
Moves more easily.
Lies in an urn. Rejoice, you sons of crime.
Another choice delivery, which truly sings.
Mourn, innocents, with wretched, hair-draped necks;
This line is more wooden and less expressive than it might be, losing a substantial amount of elegance and loftiness from the Latin. I suggest something like,
Lament with hair-drenched, sparse throats, innocents
The substitution of “throats” better connotes real, vocalized grief, more moving, I think. “Drenched” carries better than “draped” the idea of tears (from the sorrow) and sweat (from the effort of its exertion) in “flowing.” “Wretched” seems overwrought, and also misses that feel of thin, piteous, dry voices.
The court’s bright light, the pride of precedent,
(Another shining sword of a line).
Has died. Alas, great virtue fled with him
To Acheron’s worn shores. For all his virtue,
Show mercy, jealous men; don’t be too bold
“Livor” in this context would be better rendered, “spite,” connoting the black and blue quality associated with bruising. “be too bold with ash” could be clearer, hence more effective, rhetorically. How about streamlining and clarifying, with something like:
“Vindictive ones, forgive; do not abuse
The ash of one whose glances awed the mobs,”
And so, as Pluto’s bloodless messengers
Assault you, may these bones find joyous rest
And fame outlast a marble tomb’s inscriptions.
Effortless, resounding and understated close. Mission accomplished. Your language thanks you.
|