Jim, I like some of the changes you’ve made in your revision. I like the new ellipses in S1. Its last line is much better, more natural-sounding. I like the colloquial feel and gentle humor of this stanza. In S2, the breaking-up of it into three sentences gives me more time to process, which is good. The phrasing is clearer here, too, as it is in the first two lines of S3. However, there should be a comma after “tickle” and another after “though.” And I personally prefer the last two lines of S3’s original version—“limps” is a more distinctive detail, and the bisyllabic break of “squirrels” is nice.
I’m of a mixed mind as far as the “number twos” reference. I have to admit your original version of this made me laugh, it was so vivid. But your current version is less direct and feels rhyme-driven. (I see you’re trying to accommodate the now-singular “dog.”) I, too, am a fan of the couplet and its unusual rhyme. I like the blunt and evocative directness of “reeking,” and the more personal tone of the last line is nice, too. I also like the humor of praising your good luck in getting the dog, following on the heels of evoking her stinking excrement!
I see Ralph’s point about the stanza ordering, and I'd tend to agree, although of course, a problem would arise in switching Ss 2 and 3 because the current 3 leads into the couplet. But maybe you can figure something out.
I do agree with Simon that some of the details you’ve provided about the dog are less distinctive than others, and that this brings a bit of distance between the poem and the reader. I can feel the distance ebbing and flowing in line with the relative distinctiveness of each element, including how it’s represented—for example, in S2, I rather enjoy the vivid image of the dog’s eyes rolling like a shark’s—while a lot of dogs may do this, I’ve never heard it expressed this way (and I didn’t even know that sharks’ eyes roll!). Similarly, “nibbles tickle” may describe a lot of dogs, but at least the language is fun and makes me remember similar experiences. But L4 in this stanza stands out as giving the most generic information, and delivered in the most generic way. So here, I feel more pulled away from the poem.
Looking forward to seeing any additional ideas you may bring to this.
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