Thread: Season of lambs
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Unread 04-20-2024, 08:57 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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In a single sentence, you tell us that the white van is a "large white god" but is also "like a sexton." Either metaphor is fine, but having them both together in a single sentence feels rather cluttered and contradictory.

I wonder why the emphasis on the van being white. You use the word "white" twice in close proximity. It almost feels like you are trying to make a racial point, perhaps a comment on colonialization, but I don't think that's your intention. Why must the van be white?

I think you could omit "solicitous, officious" without missing them. The words don't add much and are more of a comment than an observation.

In the last line, maybe replace "walking". Maybe "prowling" or "pacing"? The poem starts with "my daily walks" so maybe you need something a bit different at the end for the sexton.
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