[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Carl—

Thanks for the suggestions (almost all of which I used) and encouragement.

Glenn

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

I think you probably need a colon at the end of L2 to introduce the indirect speech that follows. Done.

It may be another of my perverse misreadings, but I understood “or hide what will befall” to mean that a disaster would befall the city and the horse would somehow hide that. The Latin word “error” often means exactly what it does in English, but it comes from the verb, “erro/errare” which means “to wander/stray.” We see this in words like “errand” and “knight errant.” Thus is means “a straying from what is expected or planned/a trick.” I put “trick” in to make this clearer.

How about “hefty” in place of “enormous”? “Enormous” sounds almost like he’s hurling a log. I like “hefty,” but I decided to use /f/ alliteration in this line to imitate the “fffft” sound of a swift projectile flying toward its goal. (Ovid used this device in the Metamorphoses Book 1, 466-476 to imitate the sound of Cupid’s arrows fired at Daphne and Apollo.). Edit: On second thought, I decided I like “hefty,” which also has /f/ /t/ alliteration.

Even though the shaft stuck, “bringing forth a groan” gave me the impression that someone inside had been struck, and I wondered why that didn’t give the game away. The original, by specifying what groaned—“the empty, hollow places”—is clearer. Most translators explain the “gemitus” (which means “groan”) as the creaking of the struck timber. It seems just as likely to me that the Greeks, believing themselves to be under attack, would groan in dismay. Since the gods have decreed that the horse trick will work and Troy will fall, the Trojans hearing the groans would have no more effect on them than Laocoön’s or Cassandra’s predictions of disaster.

How about: “Had the gods’ adverse decree been overthrown.” Done

Is the horse ever referred to as “sacred”? Or are you assuming that if it could be polluted, it must be sacred? Would you consider another word like “secret”? I’m hanging “sacred” on the word “foedare,” which means “to pollute/desecrate.” Since the horse was consecrated to Minerva, it is a sacred object, so shedding blood on or in it would be sacrilege. I like the irony of Laocoön, a devout priest of Neptune, being so upset by the Greek treachery that he throws a lethal weapon at a consecrated object and—if the gods had not prevented him from being able to attack the Greeks—he would “cut their throats i’ the church” (to paraphrase Laertes in Hamlet). It may be that his throwing of the spear so offended Minerva that she later sends two sea serpents to kill Laocoön and his sons. (spoiler alert: this scene from the Aeneid will be my next translation.)

The last line would be metrically more pleasing to me as: “and you, Troy, Priam’s high fort, would now stand fair.” Done.

“Fort” hardly does justice to the topless towers of Ilium, but what else will fit a one-syllable slot other than “town”?

. The Latin word “arx” means “acropolis/citadel/fortress/castle” and could, by metonymy, mean “capital” or even “empire.” Most translators fudge it as “tower(s).” I’m trying to stay as close as I can to the literal meaning. Notice that this word also appears in line 2. “Ab arce” means “from the upper, more easily defended acropolis where temples, palaces, and government buildings are located.” Vergil was thinking of Rome’s Capitoline Hill.