Thank you both!
It's generous,
Alex, that you've taken the time to suggest specific revisions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Pepple
I think there are areas that could improved for smoother flow of sense and meter.
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I hope the sense is clearer in the new draft.
How smooth to make the meter (and how perfect the rhyme) I've thought a lot about. The short lines create a strong light verse feel when the meter and rhyme are completely regular. That's appropriate for the childish fear the poem begins with, but the poem wants to move from that in a different direction. (In an earlier draft the first stanza ended more similarly to the way you suggest, rhyming on "miss," but I didn't feel the perfect rhyme was helpful.)
I also see that you're not fond of the identity rhymes. In most cases, I share that feeling, and it's important to konw that they're an apparent obstacle for at least one reader.
It's helpful,
Glenn, to know the "other fears" felt unhelpfully vague to you. I hope I've strengthened the focus elsewhere and that the vagueness there no longer annoys.
I see that I've focused on criticisms, as I tend to do. Thanks also for pointing out what you liked about the poem. I appreciate hearing that aspects of the poem are working for you.
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I've come to post another small change and a new title.