[Max Goodman]

Machine

A child, I felt
a danger dwelt
chest-deep. My heart.
Could that odd part
keep up its work
and never shirk
or tire or just
forget? To trust
my life to this...
So tenuous!

But now, although
death’s closer, no
such fear. I’ve seen
what a machine
I am. My ways
don’t change. All stays
as it has been
because, within,
my pulses keep
their rhythms. Deep
they’re fixed. No whim
could alter them.
And so I do
the things I do
unstintingly,
unthinkingly,
unfruitfully,
consistency
no trick, no sham.
It’s what I am.

I’ve other fears
as darkness nears;
my heart’s not one.
That doubt is done.
The heart’s a pump.
Pumps pump.
Pumps pump.

*

previous version:

My Time

[first lines unchanged]

my life to this
seemed tenuous.

But now, although
death’s closer, no
such fear. I’ve seen
what a machine
I am. I do
the things I do,
spend my scarce time
as though my prime
approached. I go
the way I know
unthinkingly,
consistency
no trick, no sham.
It’s what I am.

I’ve other fears
as darkness nears;
my heart’s not one.
That doubt is done.
My heart is me.
Its constancy
is nothing strange.
We do not change.

The heart’s a pump.
Pumps pump.
Pumps pump.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello Max,

I find this interesting in form and content. The dimeter couplets create a rhythmic heartbeat throughout the piece that cleverly reinforces your theme, and I admire how you've maintained this tight form while exploring existential concerns. The progression from childhood anxiety to mature acceptance creates a compelling emotional arc. The rhyme scheme generally works well and doesn't feel forced despite the constraints of short lines. The contrast between the mechanical heart and the philosophical self creates interesting tension

Still, I think there are areas that could improved for smoother flow of sense and meter. For example, for the opening lines could be smoother in sense, diction, and meter with an alternative such as:

When young, I felt
a danger dwelt
chest-deep. My heart,
being an odd part,
could it still work
and never shirk
or tire or just
forget? To trust
my life to this
might seem remiss.

But now, although
death’s closer, no
fear gnaws. I’ve seen

. . . .

And around the middle, something like this:

what a machine
I am. My will
moves me until
I spend rare time
as though my prime
approached. I go

. . .

The concluding thought works well, but consider whether the final repetition could be varied slightly for more impact while maintaining your form, for instance:

The heart’s a pump.
Pumps pump.
Pumps cannot slump.

Good luck with this, Max. I hope these suggestions, which maintain your formal constraints, might be helpful as you continue to refine this already strong poem!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Max—

I mostly agree with Alex. Your poem is built on the strong “lub dub, lub dub” of the human heartbeat. You reject the Romanticized belief that the heart is the seat of emotion or the home of the soul. Your tribute to your heart is grounded in rational materialism. I found myself wondering, though, what the “other fears” were.

The one point with which I disagree with Alex is the ending. I found the simple, abstracted onomatopoeia in the last few lines very effective.

Nice work.

Glenn

[Max Goodman]

Thank you both!

It's generous, Alex, that you've taken the time to suggest specific revisions.

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

I think there are areas that could improved for smoother flow of sense and meter.

I hope the sense is clearer in the new draft.

How smooth to make the meter (and how perfect the rhyme) I've thought a lot about. The short lines create a strong light verse feel when the meter and rhyme are completely regular. That's appropriate for the childish fear the poem begins with, but the poem wants to move from that in a different direction. (In an earlier draft the first stanza ended more similarly to the way you suggest, rhyming on "miss," but I didn't feel the perfect rhyme was helpful.)

I also see that you're not fond of the identity rhymes. In most cases, I share that feeling, and it's important to konw that they're an apparent obstacle for at least one reader.

It's helpful, Glenn, to know the "other fears" felt unhelpfully vague to you. I hope I've strengthened the focus elsewhere and that the vagueness there no longer annoys.

I see that I've focused on criticisms, as I tend to do. Thanks also for pointing out what you liked about the poem. I appreciate hearing that aspects of the poem are working for you.

*
I've come to post another small change and a new title.