Hi,
Alessio—
Wow! That was fast!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alessio Boni
Therefore, as if resigned to just live out his fate, he lays his head metaphorically on her "charnel" lap to signify, as an adjective, sepulchral, and then be dragged on as occurs further in the poem. The adjective related to his wish for death, seeking to find it in his grim fate of being tied to her with an eventual rest coming per his wish. His bones will remain with her. Your proposed correction would cancel the meaning above although I can see mine being largely unclear.
The problem I have with “charnel” is that it evokes a strong smell of decomposition. How about using “sepulchral” or “icy” to describe her lap as a resting place for their dead love?
S2L3: Should I change it to "And as a fish by specks of joy is beguiled" though it would give an extra syllable without place?
“Joy is” elides to “joy’s.” I see now that your use of the apostrophe was meant to show this. I would recommend removing the apostrophe, writing it as “joy is” and letting the reader elide them to avoid confusion.
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I like the revisions you made. I was confused into thinking that the N was already dead by the words “charnel” and “corpse.” A corpse is always dead. If it’s still alive, it’s a body. A bodybuilder would never ask his girlfriend, “How do you like my corpse?” Thus I misread your poem as a murder mystery.
It’s coming along nicely. You have taken a well-worn trope—the comparison of two lovers in which the woman is an angler and the man is a fish—and breathed new life into it. It reminds me of John Donne’s poem, “The Bait.”
If you want to keep polishing, my suggestion is to work on the first stanza.
Glenn