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Unread 07-17-2019, 12:30 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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I like this a good deal, Jake. Nemo pretty much stated my feelings on how this poem contrasts with the last couple you posted. I'm fond of the pressure you put on individual lines/line breaks, which can be confusing the first couple of reads. But the poem, for me, is a camera lens slowly getting into focus, drawing the reader into careful observation. I do have some thoughts/nits. I'm not sure what "screen" means exactly in that last stanza. Maybe it's something obvious, but for the life of me I can't get it. For the longest time, I also wanted "her quiet traitor," but I'm starting to like "my" there more and more as I see it as the speaker identifying with this woman. And, I have to say, that makes it a lot more powerful for me (even if I'm wrong). Not the biggest deal, but "greatest" seems a little flat. I thought perhaps "loyalest" might be more interesting? Anyway, I might look at that again. Very fine, sharp work here.
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