Well, it reads nicely enough, but I'm not sure it's an improvement on the crib. I think the rhymes were a major part of the original, and it leaves me wishing you had found a way to make your translation use rhymes as well.
But I'm not sure, ultimately, why frigid is a better translation of kühle than cool, or stifling is better than sultry, or why you have elevated müd into spent instead of a straightforward tired. Any of these choices could be understood as necessary and appropriate if they were solving a metrical problem, or accomplishing a rhyme, or needed to make the syntax work, but as it stands they strike me as simply an attempt not to mirror the crib.
Finally, to me the German sounds like it would be better translated into tetrameter than the trimeter you have.