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Unread 07-28-2019, 05:40 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,848

Hi Aaron,

There's a lot of apparent ease to this writing, which I guess reflects the reader's ease in moving through the narrative. It's also lively and fairly limpid.
There were a couple of small stumbles for me. In "and most assuredly / he will be crashing," that tense seemed odd to my ear. Why not, "he'll soon be crashing," or some such?
After "Land breakers shattering the blacktop," I think I'd have a period - the tense changes. "Lowertown" seems to me less compelling than convenient, unless people do say it. For Con Ed, "and everything" seemed a bit too New York for me. For "smidge," I might have smudge.
Finally, and globally, would you like your language to challenge the reader more? The price of ease is I think transparency, and readers may digest your creation without the labor of the brain that induces trance. This seems to me to contain the virtues of great prose, more than anything vatic. I guess it all depends what you are looking for. It is certainly an achievement, and certainly art.

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