Thread: The Impediment
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Unread 07-07-2019, 03:51 PM
Jayne Osborn's Avatar
Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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Jim,
I really like all of Mark's suggestions, most of which I was going to make myself, particularly regarding the change of tense.

(I had already written this, below, prior to reading Mark's post ...doing laundry, listening to The Archers and dinner intervened, I'm afraid!):

Well, as soon as I read "There was a young man who...", I fully expected a humorous poem, and I wasn't disappointed. (Methinks one or two may be taking this one just a tad too seriously!!)

As to my critique of the poem, Jim, might I suggest you say that the young lady was ''stupefied", rather than "petrified''? If she had more of a "WTF?" reaction than one of fear, it would aid the humorous aspect, and help to allay those allusions to sexual harassment.

I don't see this is objectionable in any way. It's just a joke, right??

The last stanza doesn't quite scan properly, to my ear. How about something along the lines of:

He's thrilled that she knows his words sort of make sense,
when they are deployed in the proper sequence.
Her smile is quite false and her answer is slow;
His angel just smirks - says, ”yourself fuck and Go.

I think that ''and'' is required in the last line. (It's... er... what I think most women would be more inclined to say to a bloke, anyway!!!)

FWIW, I'm a woman, I think it's funny, and I'm not the least bit offended.

Jayne
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