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Old 09-10-2017, 10:08 AM
Duncan Gillies MacLaurin's Avatar
Duncan Gillies MacLaurin Duncan Gillies MacLaurin is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Saeby, Denmark
Posts: 2,819

Just some nits, Aaron.

Perhaps “And soon/ he’ll lock me up” instead of “He soon/ will lock me up” for a better flow.

“Come from Olympus,…” threw me a bit because ‘come’ is also the perfect participle form. “Come down from Olympus,…” would alert the reader to the imperative form better. But I’ve noted your distaste for anapaests. Perhaps “Descend Olympus,…”

You need a comma after ‘Nysa’ in “On Nysa nurse/ of beasts?”

I'm not keen on the repetition of ‘nurse’ in “the gorgeous Lydias which, I hear tell, nurses/ a nation famous for…” Perhaps ‘fosters’ instead. You'd get some nice alliteration with "famous for" too.

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