Thread: #snailpoem
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Unread 02-26-2021, 01:22 PM
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Jane Crowson Jane Crowson is offline
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 395

Hi Matt,

I really like this - it’s, fun, clever & playful. It blends fact and fiction beautifully - almost despite myself I’m pulled into the narrative.

I also enjoy the undertones of discussion about the power/how knowledge and popularity is constructed on social media.

Small potential points

In L6, talents / which are unknown to me doesn’t feel grammatically correct - do you need to consider putting a comma after talents, or placing ‘which are…’ in parenthesis?

I think that the move from moon-snail to a type of moon-snail salad (from animal to dish) work okay, and of course it’s nonsense anyway, but animating a different type of (edible) snail rather than switching to a recipe-name might make more internal sense in the context of the poem’s other sense-making?

Also, of course, the dish is made of the snail itself (unless it’s a different type of moon snail), so there’s another sense-gap (the snail and the dead snail dissing each other doesn’t make quite as much nonsense/sense as a snail and another type of live snail, maybe).

I think too I’d consider reworking the image and the caption. This doesn’t read like an internet meme to me. It’s the word-choice of ‘caption’ I think. That implies a smallish piece of explanatory text under a photo, whereas memes might more readily spring to mind video content etc. What you describe to me in that line is flickr, not tik-tok or youtube.

There’s also possibly some further wordplay in the snail name (Did y neverita?) that you could mine if you wanted to. And although I’m not sure it would work, if you wanted to up the social media ante you could also incorporate some @’s along the line.

I’m not sure ‘at war’ helps the social media angle either. Maybe consider another hashtag ‘soon we are #streetfight’ or something like it (I’m not going to research negative hashtags on twitter because I don’t want to get embroiled in twitter hate because of your snail poem, but there must be some out there)

I love the snail-sex bits. They’re very funny. Again, if you could think of way to incorporate an @ for the film’s backers ins one way it might add to this.

I’m not sure if you need the ‘appropriately enough’. I’d trim the last line to ‘the story of my life’.

#snailpoem is a great title, btw. It'll be trending tomorrow, I bet.

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