Thread: Rough
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Unread 08-27-2019, 10:06 AM
Rob Wright Rob Wright is offline
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Philadelphia PA, U.S.A.
Posts: 803


I like this very much. I also like thought Ralph had to say about the table suggesting ongoing violence was spot on. I have no quibbles with the writing. I think setting in the present tense works well and whatever problems that might pose did not trouble me. Although in your suggested revision I would say that you do not need, "Now it's" just write, "The next morning…"

Structurally I might try starting with the unnamed She looking at the damaged wall, then go on to your lovely description of the quality of light, then return to the narrative of her memory of the violent episode which made the now-repaired hole.

One more thing. Following on Chekov's caution of mantles and shotguns. I'd try having her take out a knife at the beginning, this would create more menace by its constant presence. If you, for instance, moved the knife up and put it on the scared table, it might hang my mind, as a reader, so that when it is picked up at the end, it has come along with her in the narrative and what she is going to do with it is open.

Once more, I must say that I enjoyed the quality of the prose – the diction and the images very much. Lovely writing, quite equal to – and informed by – your poetry.
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