Thread: The Losers
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  #7  
Unread 01-06-2020, 07:48 AM
Roger Welsh Roger Welsh is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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2016 election? Collapse? The metaphor doesn't exist in the first place; the tenor has gone missing. It isn't the reader's job to track it down. The poem needs to provide it somehow. If "ticking crawl" is supposed to do that, it does not work. It is merely obscure and off the mark, contributing, like much of the other diction, to an overall effect of burlesque that culminates with breeding towels.

Also, ”sepulcher" suggests that the sporting event is like a war battle, a death-fight, so then the sporting event itself becomes the tenor in a transitory cliche. Later, the guilty souls of the deceased footballer-warriors seek absolution from a jet that a flies over, perhaps dumping locker room disinfectant.

"Nor” rather than “or” in L8 might better fit the high tone and alliterate with "No". I admire the craftsmanship. The triplets, I believe, enhance the overall sense of melodrama. The metrical variation of the final line, especially, is to be appreciated.
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