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Old 09-04-2018, 02:41 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is online now
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut, USA
Posts: 5,557

Thanks, Aaron and Andrew.

Aaron - I agree that “whilst” is a somewhat yucky word. I tried it, but now that you pointed it out, I could change it to “as” (as you suggested). But I’ve made a detour around the issue by changing the whole line and part of the next (Lines 8-9).

Andrew - Thanks for saying you like “the wordplay and skill,” and for letting me know you understanding the theme. It’s difficult to explore such a theme in 10 lines, 4 of which are repeated. I don’t yet know myself whether this is merely an exercise or something at least slightly more entertaining. An ovillejo is a little knot, which seems to resist the imbuing of emotion or much development.

In any case, for whatever it’s worth, I’ve made a revision of lines 8-9.

PS - I think I have lost something from the original in my revisions, namely the tongue-in-cheekiness of the penultimate line: “Who cares ...” I think I’m going to try to find a way to put that in again.

PPS - I posted a new revision with a different ending (Rev. 2), trying to magnify the contrast of the cosmic and personal worlds.

Last edited by Martin Elster; 09-04-2018 at 03:50 PM.
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