[John Whitworth]

I feel a Larkin coming on.

Competition 2815: Self help

You are invited to contribute to the ever-flourishing genre of self-help by proposing a new title that will storm the bestseller lists and providing a blurb for it of up to 150 words. The brilliant duo Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George have already done this. Their suggestion, a surefire hit in this age of self-obsession, is I’m Okay, I’m Okay: Accepting Narcissism, a ‘manual for creative self-absorption’ which is ‘attractively presented in a mirrored dust jacket’. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 11 September.

[Ann Drysdale]

I might promote the forthcoming translation of Aesop's classic on neurolinguistic programming...

[John Whitworth]

Not Larkin. Kipling. I wonder if it fits the bill.

Virgin Pride – The Strength Of Ten

If you can keep your cool and not feel peaky,
Though other girls have gone arse over tip,
And staggered from the clubs all hot and squeaky
Like rats abandoning a sinking ship,
If you can keep your money in your handbag
When friends have blown the lot on frocks and shoes,
If you can lose the profile of a sandbag
By cutting down on takeaways and booze,
If you can stop behaving like a hothead,
If you can find a man who’s not a bum,
Who’s not a criminal and not a pothead,
Who really wants to meet your dad and mum,
If you can find your knight in shining armour,
Yet stay as artless as a buttercup,
Then you can be one pure and perfect charmer,
And, what is more, you’ll keep your knickers up.

[Brian Allgar]

Very entertaining, John - but is it a blurb?

[Lois Elaine Heckman]

It seems to me they are asking for a prose endorsement blurb (150 words), and title for a new book and not poetry, or am I mistaken?

I did appreciate your poem, John!

[John Whitworth]

Alas, it is not. But perhaps this is. Needs a little tweaking. Would The Maiden's Manual be a better title? Is not virginity becoming fashionable in the USA. It might become so here if anyone could find one.

The Maiden's Bible

How can you stay a virgin?
How can you keep yourself pure?
How to say no to the urging?
Call it all horse manure?
This is the book that will tell you
The secret of staying chaste.
Say no to the nonsense they sell you
Yet keep it in perfect taste.

Some girls may be more clever.
Some girls may make more row.
But a girl who reads this will never
Turn into a sad old cow.
No fellow will call you shady
Or think you an easy lay.
Yes this is the book for a lady,
Whatever the feminists say.

[Brian Allgar]

Or "Maidenhood, and how to hang on to it"?

Mind you, there's no harm in sending the other one as well. You never know how permissive Lucy is feeling about sticking to the brief.

[Rob Stuart]

What about ‘You Can Shoplift! A Self-Help Guide to Helping Yourself’?

[John Whitworth]

I like your title, Brian. I shall probably steal it. Or perhaps 'Managing Maidenhood - A Manual'. Feminists is not really what I mean. Sex-crazed is a bit over the top. Can anyone think of anything better? I mean people with a laissez-fire attitude to sex. People like me really.

[basil ransome-davies]

Intact & Lovin' It