[John Whitworth]

George Simmers deservedly won the fiver, but Chris O'Carroll and I were snapping at his heels. Catherine Tufariello and John Beaton were just out of the money. They may feel justly miffed because this was a big entry. The next competition may be easier because you HAVE TO enter by email and I'll bet some of the old sarhorses won't be able to do this. Heh heh!


No. 2679: going for a song
You are invited to usher in the New Year with a teetotallers’ drinking song (16 lines maximum). Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 29 December. NB. For logistical reasons, entries must be emailed.

[Ann Drysdale]

Sarhorses? Sarhorses? Oh, Shitworth, whatever are we going to do with you?

[John Whitworth]

Nice word, don't you think? I'm sorry to kiss it goodbye.

[Ann Drysdale]

Indeed. Did not Michael Morpurgo have a book of that title? Did rather well, as I recall.

[John Whitworth]

I saw a child, a girl of course, actually READING a book, engrossed in it even. It was by this Morpurgo fellow! Meanwhile - The IRN BRU song! It made me the man I am.

The Hogmanay IRN BRU Song

What gives the Scots their courage? What makes them all so frisky?
Is it syrup in the porridge? Is it ginger in the whisky?
Is it wildness in the weather? Is it puddocks in the stew?
Let's answer all together. No! It’s IRN BRU!

Some give three cheers for lager beers in knobbly mugs with lids on.
Some say, 'Hooray for Beaujolais! It's what we raise our kids on!'
Long John Silver swigs (or swogs) hot grogs with all his pirate crew.
But true Scots choose that special booze – old IRN BRU!

This wonder-working potion is the toast of kings and queens.
Take bedsprings, batteries, bicycles, and slot machines,
Souse well in prussic acid, boil a year, then strain it through
Old brillo pads and engine oil for IRN BRU!

Chinese at ease sip China Teas, stout Irish tipple stout,
Transylvanians suck maidens’ blood, then hang about.
But New Year Scots quaff pots and pots of what is tried and true,
A beverage and a religion – IRN BRU!

[George Simmers]

Great song, John, and I can easily imagine a crowd of lusty Glaswegians chanting it.
I'd read the instructions rather differently, though - as if Lucy was specifically asking for a New Year themed song. On second thoughts, perhaps she wasn't, because the previous comp was New year themed.
What do people think?

[Martin Parker]

Regardless of what Lucy may think she wants I suspect she will find it hard to resist John's Irn Bru.

Congratulations to all successful songsters.

[John Whitworth]

New Year is a Scots Festival, George. First-footing and all that.

[Catherine Tufariello]

This forum is so educational! Never heard of IRN BRU before, but I'm going to make a point of having a taste when I'm in the UK next summer. Delightful song, John.

[John Whitworth]

I wouldn't, Catherine. It's a Scottish drink and therefore, by definition, nauseating. They are, after all, the nation that gave the deep-fried mars bar to the world. It does contain iron, however, so it does you good.