[John Whitworth]

Competition: Misleading advice

LUCY VICKERY
SATURDAY, 26TH MAY 2012

In Competition 2748 you were invited to submit snippets of misleading advice for tourists visiting Britain.
For those who are less than enthusiastic about the impending Games and the resulting hordes that will descend on the capital and beyond, this week’s postbag provides a potent arsenal of sadistic misinformation guaranteed to add an interesting twist to any Olympic visitor’s trip. It was another cracking performance all round. The winners are printed below and earn a fiver per snippet.
London cab drivers prefer to be paid with an Oyster card.
Wherever you go, you will find the hip, creative, boho crowd at your local Wetherspoon’s.
Call a number on any of the promotional National Lottery cards left in telephone boxes to see if you have won a prize.
The middle lane on British motorways is reserved for foreign visitors.
Basil Ransome-Davies
As a tourist you are allowed to drive a hire car in London bus lanes provided you cheerily acknowledge the shouts/waves of other road users.
Visitors from Greece should avail themselves of free bed and breakfast at The Athenaeum.
Only drivers visiting London while suffering from a cold are required to pay the Congestion Charge.
D.A. Prince
The wine in many restaurants comes in screw-capped bottles. If you prefer the traditional kind, ask the waiter to bring you a bottle that is corked.
Foreign visitors are always welcome to stroll through Buckingham Palace, and the Queen herself will be delighted to pose for a photo-shoot. If anyone tries to prevent you from entering, simply say: ‘I’ve come to shoot the Queen.’
Brian Allgar
Tipping Customs and Immigration officials as you enter the UK is not mandatory, but is a standard courtesy. Fold the banknotes inside your passport and offer the document with a friendly smile and perhaps a small wink.
Nude sunbathing along the Serpentine in Hyde Park is permitted only on Saturdays, Sundays and bank holidays.
Chris O’Carroll
Shops don’t advertise it, but many have free Olympics souvenirs, or ‘goolies’, for tourists. Discreetly ask to see your shopkeeper’s goolies.
The British Olympic Association recently advised athletes not to shake hands, for fear of spreading germs. If the English try to test your hygiene awareness by offering you a handshake, you will impress them by declining and saying, ‘Not without a durex’ (glove.)
Frank Osen
Women and children must remain on the ferry when visiting the Isle Of Man.
For cheap accommodation, ask a policeman about cottaging on Clapham Common.
Bill Greenwell

Engage with the British wry sense of humour in airport arrival queues with such quips as ‘I’d like to put a bomb under this lot!’
Impress British teenagers by congratulating them on their use of countless similes in a single sentence.
Alan Millard
The Natural History Museum has a spectacular climbing frame shaped exactly like a dinosaur skeleton. See how quickly your five-year-old can get to the top!
Brian Murdoch
When watching a Shakespeare at the theatre, remember that you will be expected to shout out the answer to any rhetorical questions.
Adrian Fry
Charity shops are exactly what they say they are. If you see a garment that suits and fits you, simply take it off the rack and it becomes yours: but don’t forget to give a thank-you in your own language to the lady behind the counter, as is traditional.
Gerard Benson
When surtitles are showing at Covent Garden opera house this means that it is a sing-a-long session and everyone is expected to join in. Don’t be inhibited — volume counts for more than ability.
Sandra Hardingham
When driving in London, parking is complimentary on all streets marked with the letter C.
John Samson
It’s a popular gesture, when you get off an underground train, to leave a small parcel behind as a present for the next person in your seat.
Nicholas Hodgson
The first drink in a pub is on the house; toast the landlord by raising your glass with the traditional ‘Up yours!’
John Whitworth
Compliment waiters, shop assistants and others who give you good service with the approving expression ‘jobsworth!’
G.M. Davis
The response to ‘ See you later’ is to catch hold of the speaker’s arm in a firm but friendly way and arrange a definite meeting.
Alanna Blake
Keep a good supply of the charming little five-pence pieces. They’re thought to bring luck and will make a welcome offering for buskers and charity collectors.
W.J. Webster
The home supporters at football grounds always welcome fans of the visiting team. Wear your away scarf so you are recognised.
Mark Ambrose