[John Whitworth]

I get one or two of these. I'd never do it myself, in spite of he fact that my daughters are both beautiful high-achievers and my own poetic career lurches from strength to strength as you all know, but, hell, it can even be of interest, more so than another bloody Rudolph and? or fat Santa. Still, I am sure you will be adroit and amusing. To it, people.

Radio 4’s Today programme recently broadcast six cleverly cutting imaginary responses by the writer Lynne Truss to that annual exercise in self-aggrandisement, the Christmas round-robin letter. The object of the exercise was to deter the sender from ever sending another. You are invited to devise your own riposte (150 words maximum), guaranteed to take the wind out of the sails of even the most committed round-robiner. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 16 January.

[Ann Drysdale]

I listened to Lynne Truss and she made me cross. "Bitch", I said, aghast.

I found the whiff of smug superiority slightly offensive, the relentless hammering home of one small point a tad wearisome. Perhaps this is my chance for a counter-counter-attack.

[John Whitworth]

Surely the way to deter them is to send one yourself which is much worse in every way.
Americans note. 'Pissed' in England means drunk. 'Pissed off' means what you call pissed.

Return to Sender

Let's toast my Dad, at ninety-one
A fount of energy and fun.
(That horrid busines with the scout –
I know the courts will throw it out.)

Let's toast my three successful sons,
The banker-politicians.
Let's toast my daughters till we drop.
Let's toast their Swedish knocking-shop.

Let's toast (we're now a little tipsy)
My mistress, the Romanian gipsy,
Who lives in Westminster rent-free
With her extended family.

Let's toast (though getting very pissed)
My knighthood in the Honours' List.
I stand aloof, above the scrum,
For services to someone's bum.

[Adrian Fry]

Being working class, I have never sent or received one of these Christmas round robin letters, though I recall the Speccie's Simon Hoggart published a book entirely composed of spoof letters in this vein.

[John Whitworth]

Ah Adrian, yet another disadvantage of low birth. My heart bleeds or you. We of the striving classes get them all the time. I receive an annual update from an OXFORD PROFESSOR. Grind your teeth on that.

[Brian Allgar]

(Here are a couple of attempts)

Dear Lynne,

Thank you for keeping me up-to-date on the doings of your family. It must be difficult for you, whom I remember as being rather a mousey little thing, to live among such over-achievers.

I'm delighted to hear that Darren managed to get an upper second at Kingston University. Our son Anthony, who was awarded a congratulated first at Oxford and is now a fellow of All Souls, might well be able to find him a part-time job in Library Administration.

And of course, it's wonderful news that Tracy is appearing in the chorus of a West End musical. She really should look up our eldest daughter Antonia, who is only just round the corner as Prima Ballerina at the English National Ballet.

We so much look forward to hearing from you each year. Your letters always give us a good chuckle.

Yours as ever,
Claire

************************************************** ******

Thanks for your annual epistle.

How comforting it must be for you that your husband is finally home after a five-year contract in Saudia Arabia. It comes as something of a relief to us, too. In view of his background and character, we had assumed that he was “doing time” - silly us!

I’m sorry to hear about your dog. The last time you came to see us, seven years ago, he was already ailing, and we occasionally look nostalgically at the patch on the carpet where he had a violent attack of diarrhoea.

I'm sorry, too, to hear about your mother, although I recall my own mother, who is now a hale and hearty 94, wondering whether it was good for her to be living with you and your family in so stressful an environment, and whether - judging by the odour - chewing such large quantities of tobacco was altogether advisable.

[Douglas G. Brown]

Dear Chauncey,

Sure was nice to hear from my old grade school buddy! After her plastic surgery’s completed, your fifth wife should be one handsome woman. My beloved Linh sends her wishes. Who’d have guessed a Saigon bar-girl would stay so beautiful and faithful for over forty years?

I’m awful sorry about your son’s imprisonment. Twenty years seems excessive for fifty kilos of cocaine. Our youngest daughter was just crowned “Miss Asian-America”. After her world tour, she’s marrying a Texas boy. His kinfolk own a little spread called the King Ranch.

Your disbarment’s a bum rap. Plus, I can’t believe Social Security denied your disability claim. (Those beatings by the Boston cops at the protest rallies during your Harvard days really ruined your back.) Incidentally, we’ve just sold our chain of egg roll stands to some Beijing billionaire … I’m shocked by how many zeroes were on his check!

Best,
Billy-Bob Bodine

[Martin Parker]

Your 2012 Christmas round-robin was much enjoyed when it was among the many read out at our recent hilarious Charity Fund Raiser.

It is now on exhibition, anonymously, at The Crown. But, following your summer visit, all the locals were immediately able to identify you from your oft-repeated tales of how your niece had almost met the Queen and how your snapshot of an amusingly shaped carrot had appeared in the Wolverhampton Echo.

Sadly though, young Sharon’s Grade D in Media Studies was not enough to get her on to our High Achievers List and your gerbil’s attempt at a witty PS gained it a place as only Seventeenth Cleverest Pet.

The event will be repeated next year. We are arranging national Press coverage. Hopefully a wider audience awaits your family’s triumphs. The whole village is agog at the prospect.

[Graham King]

We understand that in the current downturn, amid fragmenting communities and generational distancing, prospects of employment en famille may be keenly sought. However, such novel group job enquiries as yours will be better received here if more adequate CVs are provided for each applicant member; including full prior educational and employment details, not merely accomplishments of the past year. While appreciating that impending poverty may inspire desperation leading to haste, I do recommend greater care be taken over spelling and grammar, with a more formal tone adopted, since first impressions count and - amid many such applications received - you would not wish yours to be rejected as conspicuously slapdash. Any images included should be pertinent, conveying serious competence for work; poorly-focussed pictures of partying, holidays, or horseplay in fancy-dress, fail in this respect. However, we wish you well; perhaps you should redirect your job-search to the entertainment sector?