[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4290
By Leonora Casement
We want you to send in advertisements in the “Room to let” section (“Would suit a non-smoking professional gentleman . . .” and so on) seeking a lodger for a house to be found in literature, whether ancient or modern. For example: the Laurels, Holloway; Longbourn; Thornfield Hall; Satis House; 124 Bluestone Road, or even 221B Baker Street.
Max 150 words by 6 September comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Rob Stuart]

Big Brother is delighted to be able to offer a doubleplusgood room to let in Airstrip One’s desirable Ministry of Love, a measure designed to help finance the ongoing war with Eurasia (Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia). Room 101 is a charming concrete bunker in the fashionable Ingsoc style, conveniently situated an indeterminate distance beneath the teeming city streets. Part-furnished with one chair (complete with restraining straps), two tables and newly-installed telescreen which allows for round the clock surveillance of occupants as well as reception of progress reports on war with Eastasia (Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia) and pornography. Would suit goodthinkful Inner or Outer Party member (no proles, please). Also contains worst thing in world, hence $10 pcm. Please contact O’Brien speedwise to arrange a viewing.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Rob, I love that one. If I were the judge....

[Rob Stuart]

If only you were, Janice, if only...

[John Whitworth]

I don't see anyone doing better than that. And Orwell is a Staggers author, so they can be relied upon to have read him.

[Rob Stuart]

Highly unusual studio flat to let. Amazing location inside head of Irish writer. Fully allegorical. Lounge with two south-facing windows (both very high up and accessible only by ladder) offering stunning views of featureless void outside. Also one door which combines with windows to create whimsical ‘face’ effect. Part-furnished with single armchair on castors, two dustbins (previous tenant chose to sublet these, new tenant welcome to do same), picture facing wall (only prop, so don’t bother looking at other side) and stuffed dog. Offers ideal opportunity for DIY enthusiast as one wall missing. Property also features a kitchen (no further details available) and presumably other rooms too, although no one’s ever mentioned them. Distinct feeling of ennui throughout. Would suit existentialist with no human feelings. Contact Samuel for exegesis and price.

[Adrian Fry]

Rob, you'd never obtain exegesis from Sam. Otherwise, I like both your pieces. I was originally thinking entries were going to be one liners, but you've shown the way.

[Rob Stuart]

Well, he is dead.

[Lois Elaine Heckman]

I can't compete with the rest of you people, but at least it's a good exercise!

***

Lovely top level, unfurnished room available to let, at a most fair price, to unengaged young lady with virtuous habits. All walls have been artistically lined with pure cedar paneling and are positioned so as to screen inquisitive eyes, even though there are a good number of windows providing perfect illumination and quality views. The door is fashioned in state-of-the-art material, to keep friends safe inside and the rabble out. Finally, there is an attractive gable roof, complete with a guaranteed eternal, panoramic skylight, offering the sensation that you can reach out and touch the heavens. The location is perfect for meditation, inspiration, quiet creativity and any manner of occupations like This. If interested, contact Emily on the premises at 466 Possibility, the prettiest house on the street (right across from P. Rose Writing Academy). Tipplers and time wasters please abstain from inquiry.

[John Whitworth]

re Sam. Are you sure? How would you know?