[Jayne Osborn]

Now, I'll bet my entire collection of shoes and handbags that no-one's got one already written, and tucked away somewhere, for this comp!

Jayne

COMPETITION No 168
by Tessa Castro

They knocked down one side of a street near my house earlier this year and already I’m having trouble remembering the shops that used to be there. So please write a poem called ‘The Shop That Isn’t There’. Maximum 16 lines.

Entries to ‘Competition No 168’ by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG), email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) or fax (020 7436 8804) by 20 September 2013. Don’t forget to include your postal address.

[John Whitworth]

I don't want your shoes and handbags. However...

The Shop That Isn't There

The shop that isn't there isn't there.
It's an evanescence north of Soho Square.
They are selling stuffed raccoons, clockwork plimsolls, macaroons
And a wig that once was worn by Robespierre.

The shop that isn't there isn't there.
It's a vacant lot behind the thoroughfare.
They are selling clarinets, armadillos, marmosets
And ceramic busts of Walter de la Mare.

The shop that isn't there isn't there.
It's an elemental trembling in the air.
They are selling sugar soap, dispensations from the pope
And the mummy of a multibillionaire.

The shop that isn't there isn't there
But you won't get better prices anywhere.
They are selling wicked arts, broken dreams of sundered hearts
And a pungent distillation of despair.

[Ann Drysdale]

Jayne, everybody who did the Speccie bookshop comp. has the bones of one of these. All who do not win, recycle!

[John Whitworth]

Well actually, truth be told, I'm hot off the blocks because I get my copy of The Oldie three days before Jayne gets hers. It's who you know, see.

What was the Speccie bookshop comp, Ann. Who won it?

[Lois Elaine Heckman]

The Shop That Isn’t There

The shop that isn’t there could be
a store of possibility
where I might purchase flowing hair,
the perfect petit derrière,
a straighter nose, unwrinkled skin,
long life to foil my next of kin,
a broader bust and thinner waist,
revival of my sense of taste,
my libido, my memory,
my pleasure in tomfoolery.
And, while I’m browsing, I might find
a pill to modify my mind
so it could let me travel where
there is a shop that isn’t there.


Jayne - on sending the poem in by email, I got this reply:

I am out of the office until Tuesday 27th September. I will respond to your email when I'm back.

Best wishes,
Hannah

Since the contest ends on the 20th, I'm wondering if they will receive the poem. Is there another email or do you suggest sending by Fax instead?

[John Whitworth]

Heavens. Even for The Oldie that's a bit much. I suggest she meant to say 27th August which is the Tuesday after the Bank Holiday. Or you could try posting it. Though I have heard the Italian postal service is a bit dodgy. Perhaps that is just a rumour.

[Ann Drysdale]

I'm suggesting a wee typo-ette.

We do have a bank holiday here, which extends our weekend till Tuesday, 27th AUGUST.

Since the 27th of September is a Friday, I think you should just wait till Wednesday and bung it in with ages to spare.

The Oldie always have a good long submission period, after all.

[Ann Drysdale]

Right, Whitworth - this is war.

This is now the third time in the last few days that a post of yours has changed with no evidence of its having been edited, making my post, that was subsequent to the original, look stupid.

I know it's no big deal in the great scheme of things, but you could at least own up to doing it. I was actually on the verge of tears, wondering whether it's me that's going mad - but you did change it, didn't you?

Didn't you?

John, please own up. Is it moderator privilege that lets you fiddle retrospectively with things on the QT?

No, it isn't really war; I love you too much for that, dammit - but please...

Have pity on an old friend.

[Lois Elaine Heckman]

Thanks John and Ann for checking the calendar for me!!! (Sometimes we need the shop that isn't there for buying a little common sense, too)! I'll wait to hear until next week before resubmitting.
Using the mail is really not an option in Italy during the August holiday season (like at Christmas time), with tons of postcards going back and forth and postal workers on vacation. Otherwise the mails work fairly well here.

...or maybe that's just a rumor...

[John Whitworth]

What was your post, Ann? I didn't see it. I confess, I did change it, the poem that is. Nothing you wrote could ever be stupid. If you were referring to something I have already changed then we are on the same wavelength.

Or was it the advice to Lois?

Tell all.