[John Riley]

Electric Ice Cream Cone

The ice cream cone sign blinks
a flashing omniscience
down the street,
chasing the cars
to the roundabout, the forced circle
that forces concentration.

Nothing is sweet in the ice cream light.
Old buildings blink.
Two walkers walking alone
weave through
the timed revolutions of light.

[Trevor Conway]

Hey John,

I like the idea of a poem about an electric/neon ice cream cone. I do feel it is to be clear that it holds some particular significance or symbolism for you/the speaker of the poem, and I don't get that feeling here. I'd also like to get a better sense of the appearance of the cone, the colours. I assume it's on top of a van, as it's described as chasing cars down the street. There could also be room for describing the van itself.

Apart from that, I thought "Nothing is sweet in the ice cream light" would make for a more interesting beginning. It's a great line, and the only line that gave me a sense of symbolism, another level of understanding.

The repetition of forced/forces and walkers/walking felt lazy to me, though I guess you specifically wanted the repetition

I like "flashing omniscience" even without fully knowing what you have in mind. "the forced circle
that forces concentration" felt a bit too obscure to me. I pictured a traffic roundabout. Even if that's right, as a reader, I'd like to feel a bit more sure that it's a roundabout, so I wonder if you could make it a bit clearer.

How about "Two walkers weave through / the timed revolutions of light"? It feels a bit tighter to me. The last line is great (I pictured traffic lights).

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this.

Trevor

[John Riley]

Thanks for commenting Trevor. The poem is full of circles and repetitions. Hence the repeated words. It may not work but it certainly isn’t lazy.

I’ll consider the other comments on revision.

[Jim Moonan]

.
There is an Edward Hopper landscape feeling of isolation to this. A slice of ugly Americana to it. A brokenness to it. A synchrony to it.

This line is the electric line of the poem:

Nothing is sweet in the ice cream light.

It means something that I can't put my finger on. What is "ice cream light" exactly? I like not knowing specifically. The mystery to it is the light.

Unlike Trevor, I don't see any need for more detail. It is a lackluster landscape where nothing stands out except the neon one cream cone sign.

Also the "two walkers walking alone" is a terribly lonely image, especially in the context of the blinking ice cream light that establishes a rhythm to their walking.

Perhaps it's a result of my continuing sense of trauma with the way our society is being dismantled, manhandled, and plundered, but I see the poem as a snapshot of the material wasteland we've built as a society. This is not a Canadian landscape or a Mexican landscape. It is a distinctly American landscape. We need help.

.

[John Riley]

Jim, thank you for your thorough and thoughtful comment. I think the ekphrastic in this is easily overlooked but you saw it. I wasn't thinking of Hopper but I can see it--two depressives looking at the world. I'm also glad you are asking about that line. It's a statement of the poem I wondered may be too obvious. It's a thesis statement.

Thanks again for reading and commenting.

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

I really like the depiction of ice cream cone sign, its impact on its environment. The omniscience of it light, its cold or even menacing influence on its surroundings.

I wonder a little bit about the roundabout, since it seems like a shift in the focus of the poem, the roundabout becoming a second actor/incluencer in a poem otherwise focused on the how the ice cream cone's influence and properties, a sidekick almost.

If you're keeping it, I wondered about something like "that concentrates force" in place of "forces concentration", possibly as much for the variation in the placement of force as for the meaning.

best,

Matt

[John Riley]

Thanks, Matt. I did want circles and lines in the original but will reconsider the necessity. Thanks for the word change suggestion. It’s correct.