[Trevor Conway]

From first sprout, toothing its way
through seed and soil,
with brief intent for the core of the Earth,
a steady thirst
for all these nutrients readily furnished,
trunk and leaf will strive for sun,
funded by a fraying secret.

Loitering close to the surface
unless informed of ominous shade,
they, enlightened,
will yearn deeper.

The slow, dim pulse of electricity
from distant trees dismembered
will prompt their own leaves to flood
with so much poison it’ll sicken the bellies
of those who arrive with ravenous jaws.

And there are saplings
too low to avail of the light:
when their roots encounter another’s
– perhaps the tree that bore their seed –
they receive a gift of sugars
to help them endure their plight,
as if allowed to suckle there,
below the trade of wind and light.


[Is the rhyme of plight/light near the end a problem, or does it fit okay despite the earlier lack of rhyme? Thanks.]

[James Midgley]

Hi Trevor,

I saw this posted on PFFA. I think your phrase-making becomes more striking with each poem you post. Still, there are some here that irk this reader, as follows --

'toothing its way' could be 'teething'.
'readily furnished' is a little dry.
'fraying secret' is a little coy.
'ominous' is too overt.
'slow, dim pulse' is overmodified.

I think, though, the poem starts more properly for me in the final strophe. Rather than 'receive' I'd like something more visceral, physical, for the sugary exchange. As with previous poems, I wonder whether there could be a slight push towards a concept for which the poem is acting as figuration -- e.g., what it's like to be nourished by others, family, that kind of conceptual freight and framework. But it's your poem after all, and observation of the thing as such is perfectly reasonable.

So, I think I'd like a combination of some of S1 with the final strophe here -- that's where the poem most comes to life for me, although I do also like the pulse / from distant trees remembered.

Thanks for posting.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi James,

Thanks for your feedback on this. I appreciate the zoning in on details /words choices as well as the overall consideration of the structure and the development of the theme. I think I'm inclined to keep with the more straightforward approach, as stretching for a more figurative level might feel too strained, but I'll certainly give that some thought.

Thanks again, James.

All the best,

Trev

Originally Posted by James Midgley

Hi Trevor,

I saw this posted on PFFA. I think your phrase-making becomes more striking with each poem you post. Still, there are some here that irk this reader, as follows --

'toothing its way' could be 'teething'.
'readily furnished' is a little dry.
'fraying secret' is a little coy.
'ominous' is too overt.
'slow, dim pulse' is overmodified.

I think, though, the poem starts more properly for me in the final strophe. Rather than 'receive' I'd like something more visceral, physical, for the sugary exchange. As with previous poems, I wonder whether there could be a slight push towards a concept for which the poem is acting as figuration -- e.g., what it's like to be nourished by others, family, that kind of conceptual freight and framework. But it's your poem after all, and observation of the thing as such is perfectly reasonable.

So, I think I'd like a combination of some of S1 with the final strophe here -- that's where the poem most comes to life for me, although I do also like the pulse / from distant trees remembered.

Thanks for posting.

[James Midgley]

Hey again, Trev -- I've just spotted that I misread 'remembered' in place of 'dismembered'. Apologies. Perhaps I want it to be remembered.

[Trevor Conway]

Thanks for dropping by again, James. I think I still prefer dismembered, but I appreciate you giving the time to put it out there.

Trev