[Jim Moonan]

.
River It


I've been fishing in it and it
has fed me every time
It runs by me, wants me to jump in.

I’ve been flirting with it and it
has flattered me with its long
winding song. I fall in love with it.

I feel its coolness, become numb to it.
Am one with it, It’s futile to resist.
I float, find artificiality in reality.

Away I go, rudderless, flowing
down pagan streams, to be its catch,
swallowed by the mouth of the womb.

.




———————-

It


I’ve been flirting with it and it
has flattered me every time.

I don’t know what to think of it.
It seems to be waiting for me

everywhere I go, waiting for me to fall
hook line and sinker in love with it.

I fear it. It feels like a Trojan Horse.
just as the worldwide web once did

when it snared my consciousness
25 years ago and has not let go since.

Now this. Artificiality becomes reality.
I succumb, become numb to it.

It’s just a matter of time.
It’s futile to resist.

On and on we go, pulled
under by the crosscurrents

that slippery smooth stones
down into the torrent of time.

We think we can, but cannot get a grip.
We trip, sink further downstream,

spilling into the mouth of our own womb.
.


Edits
Title was "IT"
S1L2: "flattered" was "wowed".
S4L1: "Horse" was "Trick"
S8 was: On and on we go, / slip sliding through currents,

S10 was: We think we can, but cannot get a grip / as we slip further, further downstream



.
.

[Harry Nicolas]

"The two become one and we become undone." -think of getting into a relationship and
either loosing your identity or it breaking you.
romance
what is it?
It by Stephen king first thing that popped into my mind and also It follows another horror movie. not naming it makes you have fear around the unknown.
"hook line and sinker"- no hesitation
trojan horse - hidden
world wide web once did - maybe represents fear of technology or things that are new just like society was conflicted about the introduction of the world wide web.
I wonder the purpose of the two whitespaces instead of one after the 6th stanza.
something inevitable.
rivers and streams represent passage of time
the mouth of our own womb - the mouth of the river is the point where a river flows into a larger body of water, such as another river, a lake, or the ocean. the womb is where the offspring are conceived and develop so representing growth.
I think this is talking about a love that is inevitable, and fearful at times and is almost like being on a white water rapid and losing control but not fighting it and seeing where it takes you. That is my interpretation, I'm curious to see what you're intent was? nice work.

[John Boddie]

Jim -

Yeah, we all remember the Internet and how it was going to do wonderful things for each of us and all of us, and found out that it could do just the opposite as well.

To my ear, the piece would be more effective if you dropped the first six couplets. You could consider retitling it as "AI" but that runs the risk of being too heavy-handed.

JB

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

I like how you use glancing references to various stories and relationships to characterize your feelings about information technology: Stephen King’s Pennywise, a woman you are flirting with, an angler lying in wait for a fish, a Trojan Horse, the Borg in Star Trek (“Resistance is futile”), finally ending with the last line suggesting our existence is like a Klein bottle. I was looking for a Matrix reference. Did I miss it?

I like how S6L2, “I succumb, become numb to it,” imitates the humming of electronic equipment.

A few nits:
1. In S1 you say that it “wowed” you, but in S3 you say it is “waiting for me to fall/. . .in love with it.” Maybe reverse the order?
2. “Trojan Trick” makes it sound as though the Trojans were the deceptive ones, but the Greeks fooled the Trojans. Maybe substitute “Trojan Horse?”
3. In S4L2 “like” is followed by a clause with a verb (“did”), so it should properly be “as.” This is a nit that would only bother a retired English teacher.

Nice work, Jim! I enjoyed it.

Glenn

[James Brancheau]

Hey Jim—I really like it. I’m reading this as being primarily centered around the possibility of a pregnancy, and making connections between that and the unknowns of a new relationship and the unknowns of the internet (which of course has redrawn the map on how we now interact, establish relationships in the first place). Hopefully I’m at least somewhere in the ballpark.

I like the repetition of “it,” and “Trojan Horse” works really well here, imo. At first, “that slippery smooth stones” threw me, but now I love it. The verbing you do (at least that’s how I now read it). You make the language slippery there, and I think it’s pretty wonderful.

I don’t think that you need “It’s just a matter of time./It’s futile to resist.” And while I like the closing line, I’m not sure about the two lines that precede it. I guess I’d like to get more of a grip there myself—something more specific or concrete ?? I dunno… I’m thinking… Also, “trip” doesn’t seem right with what's going on there, but maybe I’m missing something. Anyway, as I mentioned, I really like it. And it seems, at the very least, close to being realized. Enjoyed.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jim,

I like this too. My only real nit, and it's not really a nit because I like the underlying conceit, is with "it" seeming at first to be a pronoun referent in a literal sense to some "new girl in town." Maybe it's me, but my first thought was to expect the poem to be a satire on the use of pronouns relative to gender identity. That misconception was quickly cleared up though by reading further. I wonder if any other reader momentarily got off on the wrong foot like I did. My only other thing to offer is that if this were mine, I would add commas in these places:

I’ve been flirting with it[,] and it
has flattered me every time.

I don’t know what to think of it.
It seems to be waiting for me

everywhere I go, waiting for me to fall
hook[,] line and sinker in love with it.

I fear it. It feels like a Trojan Horse.[, and delete the period]
just as the worldwide web once did

when it snared my consciousness
25 years ago and has not let go since.

Now this. Artificiality becomes reality.
I succumb, become numb to it.

It’s just a matter of time.
It’s futile to resist.

On and on we go, pulled
under by the crosscurrents

that slippery smooth[,] stones [assuming "stones" is a verb and if it is a verb, should be "stone"]
down into the torrent of time.

We think we can, but[, standing in for the understood "we"] cannot get a grip.
...........

All the best,
Jim R.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jim,

This has the feel of an elaborated riddle poem, or perhaps a list poem in disguise—there’s a kind of elliptical tension to it. While I’m not entirely sure where It leading... It seems fun!

A couple of things to consider:

• S4L2 is distracting with the lowercase 'just' after a period--which might be it's own sentence or might be the continuation of the previous sentence. It might be clearer either fully capitalized or rewritten to more clearly continue the sentence.
• The title, “The New Girl In Town,” feels a bit too disconnected from the piece’s tone and content. If the intent is metaphorical, maybe look for a title that hints more clearly at the poem’s exploration of technological seduction or transformation. A more suggestive title might help orient the reader and strengthen the impact.

All in all, it's fun its puzzle-making. Good luck with this, Jim!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Greg Vander Veer]

Hi Jim, I enjoyed your poem, especially the very relevant nature of it. I assume you are specifically talking about AI but it also applies to technology in general and I think it works either way. S2L1&2 are quite strong - I can 100% relate to that. It is hard to fully grasp the scope and implications of AI but whether we like it or don't - there it is.

Then S3L2 keeps me in it but I fall out a bit with " hook line and sinker". Just a bit cliche and doesn't advance the poem for me. after that I'm get back into it especially with the "Now this. Artificiality becomes reality.
I succumb, become numb to it." And I think it finishes strong from there. Thanks for sharing!